what happened?
I've posted about this before but I'd forgotten in how much detail. I don't think I've figured anything new or helpful out in the last 5 months, possibly because I've avoided thinking further on what I'd already figured out, in case I might have to do something about it.
After posting last night about the difference between now and 2 years ago, especially in terms of how I felt about my appearance, I looked up the records from the website where I kept track of what I ate and what exercise I did during that summer. It's interesting to see how much my eating correlated with how I felt, but I'm not sure I can get any more clues about what happened.
I guess now I'm wondering what happened before May, that made me feel like I could take control of my life, even if it only lasted 2 months. I wish I had a blog to look back on then. I remember starting to feel like maybe I was okay, after all. I was almost done with classes and I was looking for a place to live with friends. I tried to hold onto that feeling, even after the incidents marked on the graph, which is why I kept recording what I'd eaten, but it was such a struggle by the end that it was a relief to just give up on the whole idea that I could be okay. Now, though, it's harder to try again, because I was wrong before.
I couldn't remember why I was feeling so miserable before that first peak on the graph, but that might've been around the time I tried calling the social anxiety program that my therapist has since recommended. It was so very hard to call, and then when I did, there wasn't a psychologist there who could talk to me at the time. I tried twice and gave up.
I wonder if it would've made a difference. One of the things from Sensing the Self (#35) I could've written a post about, but never did, was the idea that getting help needed to coincide with the person actually feeling ready to make changes. Maybe it would've been one of those windows of opportunity. When I did eventually go to therapy the first time (7 months later), it wasn't so much because I felt like I was able to change, but because I felt so terrible and I just wanted someone else to fix it and make me feel better. I guess it's not surprising it hasn't really helped. How do I get back to the point where I might be ready to change something?
*This one, mentioned in the first post linked above.
posted by Lucy @ 2:20 PM
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comments
3 Comments:
The energy to initiate change - even when I know it's necessary - is tremendously difficult to find. And you're right in that as I get older, it's hard to find the naive hope that some alterations in routine will stick because I've tried and regressed so many times.
I think what helps me - though I'm rarely successful - is to do something small. Rearrange furniture. Change my bedding. Change the icons and desktop background on my laptop. Then when I notice the difference and enjoy it, I'm reminded that eating better or spending more time reading journals or actually returning some phone calls might be pretty cool too. :)
It's hard - I really get that it's difficult and try not to be too negative when I slip in terms of my goals. But you'll get there, dear Lucy. I have every faith in you and your ability. After all, you're quite amazing and lovely now. So when you're ready to make some improvements, I suspect you'll be even more delightful.
From your last few posts, Lucy, I am getting the feeling that you ARE starting to feel ready to think about making changes again (e.g. the procrastination group, thinking back over why things changed two years ago, etc).
It sounds like the big barrier is that you feel like it didn't work last time -- but it did! You had two months of feeling better about yourself and your life. Even if things went downhill again after that, weren't the two months something worthwhile?
Are you still going to therapy? And I wonder if now maybe is a good time to try again with the social anxiety program...
If you are feeling ready for change, I really hope you can find the support you need. We're here for you virtually, anyway :)
What this post says to me is that you can make the changes you want to make. It's never as simple as do/do not, of course, but the point remains that you have been able to take control of some of these things in your life in the past.
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