I haven't cancelled yet
I was going to call and cancel the Terrifying Psychiatrist appointment this morning, but I'm having second thoughts. If I cancel, I'll have to explain to the therapist why I didn't go (or maybe not; she could well just forget about it) and I can't do that for the same reasons I couldn't tell her I didn't want the appointment in the first place.
Being terrified doesn't necessarily seem like a good enough reason to cancel, too. I was terrified of the therapist (and the meds nurse) the first few times, but now I'm desensitised enough to just feel uncomfortable and ashamed. The TP is more likely to actually try to force me to talk, which would be horrible, but it seems like ought to be for my own good.
The other reason I'm thinking maybe I should go is that the last couple of days I've been feeling closer to actually being depressed. This morning I'm feeling like I can't do anything right. I was going to go to lab to start something before a talk, but then I didn't get up. I still thought I had plenty of time to make it for the talk, but I was allowing normal-speed time to get ready, and apparently I'm only moving in slow motion, because by the time I got out of the shower it was already time to leave. Then trying to get my hair untangled almost made me cry. And I'm ignoring emails from SuperPostDoc as well as ones from my advisor that sound like he's changed his mind, yet again, about what I'm supposed to be doing, and I want to go back to bed.
I don't have any great hope that there's an anti-depressant that will magically make everything okay (and even if there were, I have my suspicions that I could have an anti-placebo effect), but maybe I should try.
On the other hand, I also think that if I'd just stop thinking so negatively and do some frickin' work, I'd feel better.
And now I don't want to post this because I don't want to make you all sick of me with my perpetual whingeing.
posted by Lucy @ 11:20 AM
8
comments
8 Comments:
I want to say, just go to the appt., what do you have to lose! But I certainly don't have any confidence that I know what's right for you. FWIW, I took the plunge this morning and called for an appt. with a therapist, though wouldn't you know it, the woman I'm supposed to talk to first wasn't available and I'm still waiting for her to call me back. The longer I wait, the less I feel sure about this. I guess I'm just saying that you're not alone in your ambivalence. But also that I think feeling better is ultimately worth the angst of seeking out help.
I don't know what's right for you, either, but I'm sure that you're not making us sick of you!
I'm glad you did post it, though.
Sorry you're having a hard time. I can relate--I hated trying to find a good therapist so much that I just gave up on it. I don't necessarily recommend that approach, though....anyway, I'm not sure what you should do either, but I just wanted to send an empathy hug. :)
Oh, Lucy, you're not doing anything to make me sick of you - you're just trying to figure yourself out. That's a really good thing! If you feel like it'd be positive to go to your appointment, then you know best. (I now feel badly for urging you to cancel - I know it's your decision and you'll do what you think is best. I'm 100% supportive regardless of your choice.)
I can relate to those days where nothing seems to happen and I'm disappointed in myself for not trying harder yet just can't do it for some reason. It's awful and I wish you didn't feel that way.
I'm sending an empathy hug too. I hope things change for the better and that if you feel yourself slipping into depression, you find someone who can help.
Margi, I hate it when that happens. I hope you get to talk to someone helpful, soon.
Post-doc, don't feel bad! I really wanted people to tell me to cancel. I guess I'm going to go, though...
She called back and the "interview" wasn't so bad, though certainly awkward. I'm sort of surprising myself with my boldness--it suddenly seems obvious that they're there to serve ME. I always felt the opposite, like I needed to impress them, which I think might be the way you sometimes feel too. Anyway, sorry to be stalking this thread and in so self-centered a way. I send you boldness vibes for tomorrow, if you choose to go.
Lucy, you're not making people sick with your whingeing (although that little -ism of the Commonwealth always sounds wrong to me for some reason). Lack of commenting comes from lack of time, not lack of empathizing.
I have a feeling that work and the TP are probably not as bad as you imagine them to be, but that doesn't mean they're at all enjoyable.
I have to go now, since I didn't cancel. Or I could pay the $10 for not showing up...
Margi, I'm glad it went well. I do always feel like I'm just wasting their time.
Sheepish, I'm sure objectively the TP is not at all bad, but I know how horrible I felt last time I saw him so I don't think my imagination is going overboard there.
Work, on the other hand, really should not be as bad as I fear, but knowing that doesn't actually help, somehow. Also, isn't work supposed to be at least somewhat enjoyable since I'm choosing to do a PhD?
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