more silence
I went to see the procrastination group leader this morning. I was hoping that maybe it would be easier to talk about not doing any work than about any of the more general issues, and I did manage to talk a bit at first. As soon as she asked why I thought I wasn't doing anything, though, I got stuck. It ended up pretty much like any of my other therapy sessions. I really wanted to just say "I'm sorry, this isn't going to work" and leave, but that would involve talking, so instead I just sat there in painful silence.
I think she got the impression there was some horrible, dark secret I didn't want to talk about, though. She didn't want to let me leave because she was worried. I said I was okay, but then she asked "in what sense are you okay?" and I couldn't think of an answer.
The other question that made me cry was "if I let you go and things keep going the way they are, how will you be okay?" I don't know how, but I will be, because what's the other option?
She was a lot more subtle than the therapist with the "are you going to kill yourself?" questions, but that always makes me wonder if I should be feeling suicidal. Why do I think it's okay to go on like this indefinitely? I guess there are enough little things that make me happy enough, and I still think the possibility exists that things might improve at some point.
In the end, she let me go but made me promise to email her. In the email, I told her there's no big secret; I just can't talk. She just replied to ask me to go back next week and "strategize about what would help with the issues about speaking up". I should warn her I've been going to the therapist for a year and a half and still don't say anything more than I did today. I don't really want to start the same thing with another person...
I still have the appointment with the terrifying psychiatrist on Friday. I need to decide if I'm going to cancel it or not. Should I go? (not a rhetorical question)
posted by Lucy @ 10:52 AM
5
comments
5 Comments:
Just wanted to let you know that I havent sleep for 34 hours but i DID finish my paper. Didnt pay the library fines though. So about your therapist and your counselor why dont you just converse with them online and maybe that will turn into some sort of friendship. Or pull the bandaid off and send a post?
No. Cancel.
And -- Just because you've been seeing one therapist that didn't work doesn't mean it might not work with this person.
Your therapist really should not have kept you as a client for so long
I think you should maybe cancel, too. I'm just not sure that the psychiatrist should be someone you find terrifying. But I also don't think that means that *no* therapist or psychiatrist will work...just that maybe you need to keep trying to find one who's a little better for you.
And I'm sending you a hug. (((Lucy)))
And I hope that my utter lack of motivation on our shared project isn't making your life harder or more complicated right now.
I'm so glad other commenters said you should cancel. Because I'm out here screaming, "No! Don't go! Cancel!" and felt badly about it before I read the comments. My (admittedly skewed) perspective is that therapy is hard. And that's fine - if you're working through issues and learning, then it probably should be a difficult process. But if you don't trust your psychiatrist - can't feel comfortable and not terrified - then I really think you should keep looking for another one. (Plus, I hate, hate, hate thinking about you being miserable.)
For all my quirks and problems, I've never been suicidal either. That's a good thing. :) Things will get better for you - you're thinking about it, and aware of the problem and you're taking steps to make progress. It's a big deal that you talked to your group leader! I'm proud of you.
Hugs to you. I wish you felt happy and productive right now, but I have faith that you will be eventually.
Anon, way to go with the paper!
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