(Pictures by Dave McKean from The Wolves in the Walls by Neil Gaiman)

Saturday, November 18, 2006

what I should've told the procrastination leader

My problem with motivation is really that every time I think about my research, or even glance in its direction (literally or metaphorically), this voice in my head starts chanting "I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this" and doesn't shut up until I find a blog or something to distract it with.
The times when I do force myself to do something work-related anyway, it's a struggle because I'm fighting against this current of self-doubt (which is actually pretty certain) on top of trying to do the task. I can avoid waking up the voice by sneaking around to do things that don't directly contribute to my project, like finding articles (but not reading them) or starting experiments (but not finishing them or analysing the results). That's how I've made it this far without getting kicked out of grad school, I think, since my project was well-defined enough that I could do things without actually having to think about them, up until recently, but now I'm stuck.
Supposedly, I could just tell the voice to shut up, but I don't think I'd be very convincing, since I think it's right...

Except, if I really believed it, I would have to drop out and find something else to do. When I'm not faced with work, though, I think that I could do it, if I just put some time and effort into it. I don't know how to keep that little flicker of confidence alive in the face of that gloomy voice.

5 Comments:

At 7:23 PM, Blogger StyleyGeek said...

Oooh, I know that voice. I find if I can ignore it and keep working, after a day or two of productivity it shuts up for a while. At least until I fall into the procrastination trap again.

 
At 8:30 PM, Blogger post-doc said...

I know the voice too. I want to be taken care of though, so I told people when I felt that way. I found that people in real life (in addition to those online) would offer pep talks or project ideas or other tasks to build confidence. I've found that admitting to a bit of weakness - whether to a mentor or your procrastination group or labmate - can inspire people to help. In my case, I was met with understanding from everyone - including the most successful researchers. I think most people have self-doubt. And I know if I could help you, I absolutely would. I just wish I could think of a way to do that.

But the voice has been really busy over here lately - I'm surprised it has time to talk to you at all. :)

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Lucy said...

Styley, I haven't managed to ignore it that long. I get tired and give up...

post-doc, I'm too scared that if I tell anyone in lab, they'll just agree with me that I can't do it... I actually tried telling someone from another lab recently that I was completely lost and didn't know what I was doing and then I felt bad because she seemed alarmed. I'm glad people were supportive for you and I'm sorry the voice has been pestering you, too.

 
At 10:43 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Lucy, I'm delurking. I know the voice too. I get off the hook by telling it: "Okay, I'll write something mediocre and try to get through on that at least."

 
At 12:12 PM, Blogger ceresina said...

I absolutelytotally100percent know that voice. I hate it. It has had me paralyzed for months. (Literally.) And I don't have anyone to tell either.
I'm sorry you're suffering. My guess? you probably can do it. My prediction? that will make no more difference to you than it does to me.
(Okay, I'm acting a little negative & bitter. But I *hate* that voice and it is *always* there for me.)

 

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