lucy, the evil, heartless bitch: part six

previously on LtEHB

First, a more recent update (from when I started writing this in August...): in the last email I wrote about from S, he made a big deal about how this was the last time he was going to write and he was moving on with his life and so on. I wrote back to say basically "I don't hate you. I hope things work out for you." So now he's sent another email saying he wasn't expecting me to write back and now he's confused and do I want to be friends after all? He claims to not understand how I can not hate him and also not want to see him again. Gah! I'm kind of annoyed at his cluelessness, but then I feel guilty, because it could well be genuine (although, thinking that also makes me feel guilty for having such a low opinion of his social skills).

Even more recent update: I have just ignored that email, because after reading what I'd written again, I couldn't see how I could make it any clearer without being mean, so I decided he was just being intentionally obtuse. Not that that makes me feel any less guilty about not replying... Should I reply?


So, last episode was leading up to finally meeting S. My mum drove me to the airport to meet his flight, because she was freaking out about him being a potential murderer (I am still cringing at the thought of other people knowing anything about this). She did agree to wait out of sight, at least. I really wish I'd moved out of home earlier so I wouldn't have had to tell anyone.
I hate waiting to meet people, because I always worry that I won't see them, or won't recognise them, and I tend to convince myself that anyone who looks vaguely like them is actually the person I'm waiting for (even if I know them well). So, I was pretty anxious just from my usual recognition weirdness, as well as still kind of hoping that I'd be wrong and seeing him in person would make a difference.
It didn't. All I felt on meeting him was disappointment and overwhelming guilt. He seemed happy to see me, but I don't think either of us knew what to say. We hugged, though, which was nice. S gave good hugs, at least.
I guess, in a way, it was better that I already knew it wasn't going to work out the way S and I had wanted, because it wasn't long before the first incident that should have made me have doubts, if I hadn't already, and I'm not sure how much I would've put up with if I had really been as invested in the relationship as S was.
He'd brought some things along to give me, but he must have left one of them behind on the plane. When he realised it was missing he got very upset and started sulking and acting as if everything were now ruined. I convinced him to at least ask if anyone had handed it in, although I had to do most of the talking. It was weird being the comparatively unshy person.
I became even more uncomfortable with that role when I had to introduce him to anyone in my family. It was bad enough having to deal with Mum thinking I was insane to be wanting to meet someone I knew from online, but I was even more embarrassed that he gave no indication of being an interesting person and was uncommunicative to the point of being rude. I felt evil for being embarrassed and judging him like that, though, because I knew exactly how scary and hard it was for him to meet everyone. To be even more judgemental, though, it's not like he gave much indication of being an interesting person when we were alone together and he was supposedly more comfortable, either...
When we were at the airport, he wanted to kiss me. I didn't know what to say, because I didn't want to break his heart within minutes of getting off the plane. I didn't want to do it at all, actually, and I was still trying to convince myself that if we talked and spent time together, maybe it would be the way we'd wanted it to be, so I think I made excuses about being in a public place.
Mum dropped us off at the hotel S was staying at and I went up with him to put his stuff away before we went to explore. We were out on the balcony, both looking at the view and I turned around to face him, I think I might have been in the middle of saying something, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me and... well, ick. I hated it. He clearly didn't.
I don't remember how I avoided letting him kiss me the rest of that day, without him noticing my reluctance. I guess maybe I did let him a couple of times. Neither of us had kissed anyone before (I was almost 23, he was 28), and I was still clinging to the last shreds of my delusions, trying to avoid facing reality, so I kind of tried to give us the benefit of the doubt, in case I just hated it because we didn't know what we were doing. Now I'm fairly sure that if I actually liked him, not knowing what I was doing might well have made me feel scared and awkward, but I probably wouldn't have hated it.
The next day, I couldn't keep pretending. After I admitted that I didn't actually like him kissing me, S tried to argue that maybe I was just doing it wrong and needed more practice, and then, when I remained uncertain, he walked off. I felt incredibly evil and heartless and chased after him with placatory excuses about how maybe I was just too scared and needed to get used to being around him in person or something. I didn't really believe what I was saying, but I felt particularly evil for destroying his happiness so soon, instead of at least letting him enjoy the trip and I thought maybe there was some slight chance I'd change how I felt. I would've been happy if I turned out to be right, anyway. Eventually, S calmed down and accepted my excuses (was I evil for continuing to give him false hope then?).
I was happy enough to hug S and walk around holding hands with him, because hugs are always good, and who knew holding hands was so nice? Of course, it would've been nicer if I'd actually liked the person whose hand I was holding, but it was a good enough compromise for both of us. I did feel comfortable with S, at least. Partly that was because I knew how much he liked me, and while I didn't think his feelings were justified, at least I didn't have to worry about him judging me. Also (more evilly), I felt safe from being judged (by him, if not by those who saw us together) because I was far more socially functional than him.
One of my friends had a birthday dinner while S was there. I think he would've preferred it if I'd skipped it to spend time with him alone, and I'd have preferred to go alone, but he ended up coming with me. I was kind of proud of myself for not being entirely secretive and keeping him away from the rest of my life, but then I felt evil for being embarrassed by him just sitting there silently. You'd think my own social phobia would make me more understanding, but apparently it made me less so, since I just felt like if I could overcome my anxiety in order to function, he should, too. I think I was actually more talkative than I might otherwise have been, in an attempt to compensate, but my limited social skills weren't enough to actually involve S in the conversation properly. I was surprised, and grateful, that my friends didn't ask more questions about who S was and why he was there.
Another day, we went to an animal park. S was especially looking forward to a tour they did, where you could follow a keeper around the park and pat some of the animals. He bought a hat with his favourite animal on it in the morning and we wandered around the park until it was time for the tour to start. When we got back to the starting point, though, the keeper had already set off, on an undetermined route. S threw what can only be described as a tantrum. He complained bitterly about how they shouldn't be allowed to leave before the official starting time and now he wasn't going to get to pat the animals and the whole trip to the park was ruined. He even threw his hat on the ground and stomped off. I was pretty sure that we could catch up with the keeper, even if we weren't sure which way they had gone, so I suggested taking some of the likely paths to look for them. S wasn't having any of it and continued to sulk and pout. Seriously, he was acting like a spoiled 3-year-old. I was pretty unimpressed with his behaviour, to say the least, but even more disgusted at my own. Why the heck did I try to placate and reassure him, instead of just telling him to grow up and leaving him behind to look for the tour myself? I guess I was afraid he was going to blame me somehow, which is fairly pathetic of me. Eventually, I asked someone if they'd seen which way the keeper went and convinced S to at least come with me to try to find the tour, instead of sulking. We found it pretty easily and got to pat the animals and S immediately cheered up. I remained disgusted with both of us, but I didn't say anything to him about it, which only made me more ashamed of myself.
Then, on the way to the airport for S's departure flight, we ended up running late and getting lost looking for a petrol station and S was angry and driving too fast because he thought he was going to miss his flight. I was scared by the way he was driving, but I didn't say anything again. I don't react well to anger. My instinct is to just try to be as quiet and invisible as possible in order to avoid provoking any further anger, or directing it towards myself (probably a result of my family always tiptoeing around my dad when he was in a bad mood, rather than confronting him). S didn't miss his flight, and immediately cheered up again, but I was disgusted at my inability to stand up for myself.
My mum was also pretty unimpressed with the way S kept wanting me to do things with (and for) him, when I got sick and still needed to pack and prepare to go to the recruitment weekend for Prestigious U the next day.
I really hope that even if I had started out actually liking S, I would still have realised these were significant problems. Since I was already going to have to tell him I wasn't interested, I ended up not saying anything about the problems, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings more than I had to. I really wish I had said something to him, but instead I'm complaining about him behind his back here... It might actually have been helpful for him in the long run, if I could've explained that reacting to disappointments like a spoiled brat was not going to impress anyone (I hope he's learned that lesson since), but I took the easy way out.

I think you'll have to stay tuned for that in the next episode: LtEHB goes to Prestigious U