BFF

I haven't really felt sad since just after Christmas, until today. Three weeks isn't a bad run of not feeling sad, though, and at least I have a reason this time. My friend from home, Lucinda*, left today after working over here for a month. I wasn't really that good at keeping in touch with her when I still lived at home, but it's been nice to be able to meet up with her every few days and have someone to go to the gym with.
Lucinda and I have known each other since we were 6 and were best friends all through primary school, when being best friends meant loving the same books and toys and making up stories together. I don't know what happened exactly. At some point, I noticed that I was finding it harder to fit in and talk to people and started feeling disconnected from the people I had been good friends with. At the same time, Lucinda was making new friends and doing new things. I felt like I was being left behind so I just tried to follow along and I think I ended up being annoying and clingy. I think we got put into separate classes for the last couple of years of primary school because of that, actually.
We went to different high schools, which was probably good for her. It was probably meant to be good for me, too, but I didn't really do any better than I had in primary school at making real friends. I would see Lucinda in the holidays, sometimes, and I always desperately wanted to be better friends with her, instead of drifting into acquaintanceship. I didn't have anything to offer in terms of friendship, though.
We actually started out doing the same course at uni, for the first year, and I was really happy to get to spend more time with her. The same went for a friend from high school. The three of us all ended up working at McDonald's together, and went to the US on holiday. Planning that trip was the best time for me, even though I think Lucinda and my other friend became better friends than I was with either of them.
I've been feeling the same while Lucinda has been here, like I have to make an effort not to be too clingy, because even here she has other friends around who are much more interesting and fun and normal than me. I have to keep from inflicting myself too much on her. But then, sometimes I think I've gone too far in the other direction and she mightn't realise how much I like her.
I have a feeling Lucinda thinks I'm more successful than her, just because I've always got good grades etc. I wish I could tell her how much I wish I could be like her, though. Lucinda was the one who finished her projects, and made a whole patchwork quilt when she was 12. She is always so kind and supportive and helpful, but also assertive and able to look after herself. She keeps in touch with people and remembers things that are important to them. And she's awesome at her job (and her previous alternative career, as well).
I know, I should probably tell her some of that, instead of people on the internet, but again, I feel like trying to be better friends, or just saying that I'd like to be, would put her in an awkward position and I'd end up being the pathetic former friend still clinging to memories of our primary school friendship.
If I could actually be a good friend myself, I wouldn't feel so bad about reaching out to her, or other people I'd like to be friends with, but I still feel like I have nothing to offer. Maybe it would make more sense to let other people make up their own minds whether or not they want to be friends, but I kind of feel like I need to protect people from their own misguided sympathies, including you.



*We have the same first name, but go by different forms of it (except my mum always calls her Lucy, even after 20 years).