alternative thoughts 2
Sunday:
I had to knock on a housemate's door at 9.30 this morning, because another housemate wanted to leave a lot earlier than we'd thought. I'm going to wake him up and he'll be annoyed at me. I could blame the other housemate, but then I'd feel bad for making him annoyed at her. And I don't want to annoy her by making her wait longer to leave, so I have to knock...
Alternative: He wants to go on this outing, too, plus he's not easily annoyed and usually wakes up early so he won't mind me knocking.
We ended up walking for several hours in the afternoon and I was quiet most of the time. I'm so boring; I never have anything to say.
Alternative: I already did this one yesterday - I do have something to say occasionally. I guess I'm not sufficiently boring that this housemate tries to avoid spending time with me...
Our temporary housemate was moving out today and invited people over for pancakes. The pancakes were ready about 2 hours later than he'd planned and another housemate was starting to get cross about waiting that long. Please don't say anything; if you make a fuss, everything will be ruined and nobody will be friends anymore (or something; I'm not exactly sure what terrible thing would happen). I should be doing something/ have done something to make things be on time.
Alternative: It's not my fault that the pancakes were late and I'm not responsible for keeping the peace between housemates, anyway. And if they did end up arguing it wouldn't be the end of the world. People fight and make up all the time*.
The temporary housemate also invited a bunch of people we didn't know. I should talk to them, or at least attempt to join in the conversation, but I have nothing to say. I have no idea how to start talking to strangers. I'm such a socially inept freak. I ended up running away to set the table/find chairs/clean up instead. I'm so rude.
Alternative: It would be better if I could talk to them. I don't have to say much. Um, I really do have no idea how to talk to strangers; I'm not sure what else I could think there... Maybe I could hang around and wait for someone else to talk and see if it's easier to join in then, instead of running away, though. I'm not entirely socially inept in all situations, I guess. And I did say hi, so I wasn't rude the whole time. At least setting the table was kind of helpful. This is not a great set of alternative thoughts... Any suggestions?
*Just not me. I don't remember ever arguing with someone other than my brother.
Labels: people are scary
posted by Lucy @ 1:41 AM
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2 Comments:
I've been reading the anxious thoughts and alternative thoughts with interest. A lot of these things mirror or at least resemble how I was feeling when my anxiety was at it's worst. And doing this sort of thing helped me get through some of it (including this horrible problem I had with not opening my mail....but that's beside the point).
I'm sure you've gotten suggestions from people on this issue before, so you can take it or leave it but - when I am not sure what to say to someone I just met (or even someone I already know) I ask them about them. "where are you from?", "what department are you in?", "what do you do?" - that sort of thing. Then I usually act interested (sometimes I'm not even pretending) and ask them if they like [thing i just asked about] (growing up there, their lab, their work). Most people LOVE talking about themselves so this works great and can keep a conversation going for a while. And when people are expounding on why they like their job, city etc - you can be listening/thinking of a new thing to ask if you need to. Just an idea. I do this even when I am interested in the person, but it is an easy fall back when you are nervous.
Second, I've me you and I felt like you had plenty to say! (though I think I might have given you the third degree, as described above, as well, giving you little chance to be quiet). If you know/trust anyone enough to ever ask them if you come across as rude, standoffish, or whatever most worries you (and get a truthful answer) - you should try and ask it. I had NO idea how people actually perceived me until I asked around, but it sure wasn't what I was thinking
I second the question-asking, if you absolutely must talk to strangers. But talking to strangers can be a pain in the ass. And you totally *were* being helpful by setting up and cleaning, and you were talking to the people you knew, so seriously? I think you should cut yourself a break on that one.
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