alternative thoughts 4

I got the second HPV vaccine this morning. The nurse said "hi" and asked how I was; I answered her, but couldn't think of anything else to say. I should say something friendlier, but of course I have nothing to say. I should've at least asked how she was, but then she would think I was just copying her and didn't really care how she was. She probably thinks I'm rude and anti-social.
Alternative: Asking someone how they are, in return, is expected. I don't have to come up with something original to say. It would be better to be boring and polite, than silent and rude.

While waiting for the train, I stood near a guy with a gorgeous golden retriever. I desperately wanted to pat the dog, but instead just stood there, occasionally glaring jealously at the other people who stopped to pat it, and even moreso at the people the dog approached. When a train arrived, I was sad because I thought I'd missed my chance to pat the dog, but the only empty seat ended up being next to its owner. I spent the first half of the ride sending secret psychic messages to the dog to come closer. Eventually that worked and I got to pat it. Yay! It really was a beautiful dog. They got off at the same stop as me and I hung back trying not to follow them directly.
I can't pat the dog because it would disturb the owner. He's probably sick of people wanting to play with his dog and just wants to be left in peace. Plus, I should probably ask before patting and I don't want to talk because I might get stuck having to make conversation and I have nothing to say. Can he see me looking covetously at his dog? I should just leave them alone. Is he going to think I'm stalking his dog if I sit next to him? Do I have to talk to him now that the dog put his head in my lap? He really is going to think I'm stalking him if I follow him all the way off the train and out of the station.
Alternative: There were other people patting the dog, so probably he wouldn't have minded. I could've just asked if I could pat the dog and he could say no. He did end up saying something about the weather after I patted the dog and it was okay, so I probably don't need to be so scared of making conversation. Getting off at the same station does not equal stalking someone.

A labmate asked me if I'd had lunch, because she was going to eat. I had already eaten at journal club. I felt bad for being relieved that I didn't have to eat with her and try to make conversation, and guilty for not wanting to talk with her. She probably thinks I'm so rude for avoiding her. I am rude. And evil because part of the reason I find it hard to talk to her is because English is not her first language. I should be friendlier.
Alternative: I really should be friendlier and talk to her. There's hardly anybody in that lab now, because everyone's working at the other site, except her, so she's probably lonely. I wouldn't have to talk very much and she probably wouldn't be judging how boring I am and how little I have to say.

I got an email back from my aunt saying it was lovely to hear from me and of course I could visit whenever. It also said something about my brother being good about keeping in touch, though. See? I suck as a niece/grandchild. I should be in contact more often. I should be able to come up with things to say that would interest them. If I were normal, I'd be able to email them regularly and have a proper relationship with them.
Alternative: It would be better if I kept in contact better. I could try harder to think of things to say and email more.

At the last session of the class I've been taking, we all had to say what the most surprising thing we'd learnt was and what burning question we still had. I can never think of anything off the top of my head. I must have learnt nothing from the whole course. I don't belong in grad school, obviously, if I wasn't interested/dedicated enough to learn anything. I'm never going to be a real scientist if I can't remember anything. I also can't have conversations if I can't remember anything I might be able to talk about.
Alternative: If I had a chance to look at my notes, I'd remember things I learnt. I could take notes about things to talk about, too. I can remember things sometimes. It would probably be easier if I didn't beat myself up about not being able to recall things immediately. I really didn't put much effort into the class, so I can't really make up an alternative for not being interested/dedicated enough, though...

When I got home, I was going to cook dinner, but after I'd finished reading my book, there were housemates in the kitchen and I didn't feel like talking to them (specifically the newly-returned housemate) so I just stayed in my room and ate dried mango. I suck. I'm back to hiding in my room again. If I go out there, I'll have to either talk to the housemate, or have him ignore me because he thinks I'm rude and don't like him. And he's back to cooking all kinds of fancy things and I don't want him seeing me cook my lame meal and thinking I'm a terrible cook and don't eat properly.
Alternative: I wouldn't have to talk much, just say hi. Or I could ask about his trip, and he could do most of the talking. Even if I didn't say much, he'd probably be busy talking to his girlfriend and not pay much attention to me, or my cooking, anyway.