anxious thoughts 2
Sunday:
Someone seemed to be examining my knitting with some interest. Please don't talk to me!
Going past security to get into lab. Should I say hi to the security guard? Is it rude not to? I don't want to bother him, though. And I don't want to have to talk; I have nothing to say and I'll just look like a socially awkward misfit. Far better to just scurry past... (repeat 3 more times)
Another grad student I know a little was in a neighbouring lab. I said hi, but should I stop and talk? See security guard thoughts.
The post-doc in my lab's ex-girlfriend was on the shuttle bus. I really like her and she's obvious enough in her friendliness that I didn't have to worry that I was bothering her. She asked about my knitting and trip home and C'land, since she's hoping to go to a conference there. I didn't ask anything about how she's going, though. I'm so self-absorbed and socially incompetent. Why would anyone want to talk to me?
Monday:
I followed someone from my lab through the door to our section, but I was far enough behind her that I would've had to speak loudly to say hi, so I went the other way around to avoid the awkwardness of wondering if I should call out to her, or wait until I caught up, or something. I said hi once I got to lab, though, and chatted with her a bit. Why couldn't I just have said hi to begin with? I'm so weird, creeping around trying to avoid people.
Taking the other way around meant walking almost past my advisor's office. I was careful to stay out of sight because I was arriving at 12pm and I had no results. (I'm not the only one, at least). I should have done more work yesterday and got up earlier. I'm so lazy and pathetic. I'm letting him down and messing up my project.
When I left the lab, SuperGradStudent was there, so I was wondering if I should say hi, but was relieved to see he was on the phone, so I just snuck out. I should say hi. I like SuperGradStudent. I want to be nice and friendly, but I have nothing to say and I'll just look like a socially awkward idiot (I seem so much more socially competent sneaking out and avoiding eye contact, of course...).
Repeat some combination of the above thoughts every time I saw someone else in lab today.
Posting this. Nobody wants to read this. Everyone's going to see how anti-social and stupid I am.
Labels: people are scary
posted by Lucy @ 7:12 PM
7
comments
7 Comments:
I won't worry if you say I shouldn't. But I often do the same sorts of things. I think you might be a bit too hard on yourself (even transiently). :)
Regarding posting this, I find it interesting to read about what other people think... and it helps me feel less weird for having similar feelings, so there you go. Consider it a public service!
Lucy, I have so many of these same thoughts every single day. I'm serious. I do these *same freaking things*, and I think the same kinds of mean things about myself when I do them.
But I have a suspicion that we're both wrong; that we're not, actually, the big gigantic losers our brains spend all day telling us we are. Stupid brains.
Anyway, I know you, and I think you rock, so clearly your anxious-brain is sometimes wrong. Hmmm, maybe mine is too....?
If you're thinking the same things, then you're obviously being too hard on yourself. That doesn't apply to me, though. :)
I always, always share those thoughts when I'm walking an awkward distance behind someone--close enough to recognize them, but not close enough to call out without it's being a big deal. And I never know what to do... good to know someone else encounters that same weirdness...
i like you :)
I like you lots and you're not stupid at all.
And yeah, I have the same sorts of thoughts. Especially when I'm encountering people I vaguely know. Actually, I even have those sorts of thoughts when I comment on people's blogs. Too much? Too little? Will I sound stupid with what I just said? Are people just keeping me around because I won't go away?
So, thanks for thinking these thoughts out loud for us, as B* said.
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