is it just me, or is this extremely weird?
Apparently my mother's therapist is going to be visiting this city soon and asked my mum if I would meet up with her while she's here. At least, I think it was the therapist's idea. My mum is all excited about it, though. Can I say no, without being rude? Why on earth would she want to meet me?
posted by Lucy @ 10:38 PM
18
comments
18 Comments:
Uhh, it's a little weird. Unless maybe she feels like meeting you will help her to get a better idea of important people in your mom's life?
I think your mother is channeling my mother again :)
My mother told her therapist I'd have coffee with him next week.
I think it's weird. Especially since international time zones are being crossed.
I don't know what the professional standards are for that sort of thing, but it sure sounds weird, yes.
Why on earth would you agree to something like that?
I think it was probably your mother's idea, but she doesn't want you to know that for some reason.
And I don't find it totally weird. Other people have told me about their therapists talking to family members because they (the client) thought it really really will help the family member.
In such situations, the therapist doesn't cross any professional lines by telling the relative about the client's therapy, or letting the relative tell her anything about the client that the relative doesn't want the client to hear; it's not an actual therapy session for the relative. It's more like a brainstorming session as to the best way to enter therapy; the client often thinks that such a session will be easier for the relative with someone s/he has at least a network connection with, rather than just some person picked out of an insurance-approved list as a starting point.
That is, it's like one of those networking interviews every. single. job-hunting book suggests. The point of them is not to get a job from the actual interview, but to get ideas what to expect from that particular job field. In a therapist-searching interview, people often learn about what sorts of questions they should ask of the therapist, and how to read how the therapists present themselves.
Bella Sultane also has a good suggestion. Either way, though, I don't think it's a judgement of you.
Bella, maybe...
Styley, that makes me feel a bit better. :) Are you going?
Sheepish, it's kind of hard to say no to my mum... And I am a little curious.
Ceresina, I wasn't taking it as a judgement of me, since it sounds like it's meant to be a social thing. I think it would be less weird if my mother wanted me to see her because it would help me or something (but then I would definitely say no). It just seems very odd, and possibly inappropriate, to be socialising with my mum's therapist.
Of course, I'd feel pretty awkward if my mum asked me to have coffee with any of her friends who happened to visit my current city, but I would understand it more, at least.
Can you meet her for something like lunch/coffee and have a fixed end point - like I'm running an experiment and I have to be back in the lab at xx time....then you'll do your "duty" and it will be quick!
I suspect that if it was your mom's idea the therapist will acknowledge that to you if asked. At least, I hope a therapist would be honest. But I also hope you can wiggle out of it if your discomfort is stronger than your curiosity.
I do think it's weird, but also intriguing...
By american ethical standards, this is not ethical, unless it is actually a therapy session in a therapy room. Seeing you socially is a boundary violation - and talking about your mother in a social situation is unethical.
It is not out of bounds for a therapist to want to meet family members, but then that needs to occur within the context of therapy - not an outing. You would not be doing anything unethical by meeting with her - so if you are curious - you can do it. But it is not ethical of her (by american ethical standards). If styley's mom's shrink is doing this too - I guess it's possible that commonwealthlandian ethics are completely different.
Also, be aware that anything you say may get back to your mother - and I'm concerned about the ethics of that as I would assume you would have no release form to sign and no informed consent procedures. Can you talk to your therapist about this?
Twirly, that would be my plan.
Shrinky, thanks, I was hoping you'd comment on the ethical issues. I would definitely not be saying anything I wouldn't say to my mother directly. I guess I would be curious about how she would say anything without breaching confidentiality. Is she supposed to pretend she doesn't know anything about me or my mother?
She *cannot* say anything about your mother to you without a signed release from your mother. She also cannot say anything about your mother in a public place. It is also a total boundary violation to have a social outing with a client's relative!
It would be ethical for her to invite you (at your mother's or her insurance's expense) to meet with her in her therapy office next time you visit. however.
I would strongly encourage you to talk to this person on phone or via email first to find out the purpose of this meeting - as I would be actually really concerned as to why this is occurring.
lucy, a social call would be a major professional boundary violation.
I once received a hand-written letter from a therapist regarding a person attending my church. I thought it was very odd, but called the man to check further. It turned out the client/congregant had initiated the idea, and they had composed the letter together. She wanted to talk to me, but wanted to be sure it was safe, and having the therapist involved made it safe space.
He agreed that having generated such a letter unilaterally would have been way out of line. If your mother's therapist is any kind of ethical, this is all your mom's idea, but even then, I can't see how it's possible for the therapist to meet with you socially.
Styley, that makes me feel a bit better. :) Are you going?
Not if I can avoid it. I plan to take the path of least resistance and pretend the suggestion was never made.
Shrinky, it is interesting to hear that social stuff like this is a clear violation of (American) ethics. I think here, it's maybe not seen as such a big deal. The therapist I saw a few times at the university shrink centre in Australia actually SUGGESTED to me (last year) that I should make contact with my mother's therapist in order to ask him how I would best be able to help my mother with the stuff she was going through then. She said something like, "If you want an outsider's perspective on what your mother needs from you, maybe next time you are in NZ you could have coffee with [the therapist I had mentioned she was seeing] and have an informal chat about it." I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have suggested that if it was such a clear no-no over here.
In my mother's case, it's a bit more ambiguous since she knows the therapist's wife socially (and did so before she started seeing this therapist). Which is also kind of weird to me. But anyway, MY therapist didn't know that.
But I can see why it should be avoided, though. There's such potential for breach of confidence and trust.
While I see all of the ethical hang-ups of social call, I did participate once by joining a loved one for a therapy session, as Shrinky recommends.
The important thing for me to realize (and you may find this comforting) was that it wasn't about me at all. It was about my loved one.
I believe that it was a very productive experience, as well.
I did talk to my mum again about this and say that I thought it could be weird given the ethical issues. She seemed unconcerned and said that she would probably be friend with the therapist anyway and it would just be nice if I could show her around Prestigious U or something.
Apparently, she told her therapist that I'm very shy, which really makes me not want to do it. Luckily, although she gave her therapist my address and phone number, she didn't give her my email address (only because my mum doesn't email), so I'm hoping she won't be pushy enough to call. Mum gave me her email address, but I can probably just ignore that.
something similar happened to me (only worse)
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