My dad forwarded on an email from my aunt saying that my grandmother is in hospital, but it's unclear how unwell she is. She'll be 97 in a week or two, so it's probably not good. I've been ignoring the email because I don't know what to do or say. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing or appearing not to care enough, so instead I do nothing and ensure that I seem completely uncaring...
Part of the problem is that I'm not sure I do care enough. I don't feel especially close or attached to her, not the way other people seem to feel about their grandmothers (or even how I felt about my maternal grandmother, who died when I was 17). I'm glad I went to stay with her while I was home, though.
I remember feeling similarly when my grandfather died when I was 10. I didn't feel much of anything, but we went into his hospital room to see his body and I started crying. I felt guilty because my aunt and mum assumed I was sad, but really I was more freaked out by seeing a dead body.
Growing up, I got the message that my grandmother wasn't very loving or interested in us grandkids, which probably didn't help forge close bonds with her. That view was probably heavily influenced by my mum. My grandmother wasn't very welcoming to her, and would make comments Mum interpreted as cruel. Every time we visited, Mum would spend half the drive home berating my dad for not sticking up for her against his mother. While I was home recently, I realised how much my mum's insecurities lead her to interpret things in the way that best fits the theory that everyone is judging her negatively, so she's not an entirely reliable narrator (although my grandmother is often less than tactful). My dad's lack of apparent interest in his family didn't really do anything to contradict Mum's point of view, though.
Dad's email with the news just said "Hello kids, Grannie's in hospital; we're waiting to hear more" at the top of a forwarded email from his sister. Then he just forwarded the next email with no comment. I tend to assume he doesn't care because he doesn't give any indication of his feelings, but that's probably unfair. He must be upset, but I have no idea how to respond to him.
I wish I felt closer to my grandmother, and my family in general, but I don't know how to cultivate that kind of relationship. Sometimes I feel like an android. I think I take after my dad too much.
posted by Lucy @ 4:12 PM
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4 Comments:
I'm sorry about your Grandmother.
I can identify with what you say about feelings, though. I have always worried about what other people think of how I feel about things like family illnesses and death, and whether I don't care enough. Sometimes it is hard for me to identify feelings that can be interpreted as sadness, and so I conclude that I am totally unfeeling.
Recently I have started to believe that the discomfort that I feel about these situations (anxiety about my feelings/lack of feelings and how they are perceived) are actually themselves feelings. They are negative feelings brought on by the situation, and so even if they aren't conventionally interpretable "sadness", they count.
Feeling conflicted/guilty/confused or just feeling a strong urge to avoid the situation entirely are difficult emotional states that are no less valid than conventional sadness or anger or whatever. They might, in some cases, even be reflective of sadness that isn't surfacing in a clearly identifiable manner.
That's how I see my situation, anyway. I'm not suggesting that this is necessarily the case for you. And extra disclaimer: I don't really know what I am talking about :)
I'm sorry about your grandmother, too.
people deal with these things in different ways. I wish people understood that.
as far as not caring enough, I think it's okay for you not to be that close to her.
I've been thinking of doing a post about my grandfather. He's going to die soon and I do love him but I can't see that I'm going to be that sad when he dies because he's been so ill for so long. I barely feel like I know him anymore. And I feel sad about that, I mean about the fact that I suspect I won't be that sad.
Anyway, all of that to say I think you're okay. Feel whatever you feel and don't let yourself feel guilty about it.
Styler Geek said "I have started to believe that the discomfort that I feel about these situations ... are actually themselves feelings."
Exactly...My grandmother is in a similar spot, and for all sorts of reasons, we've never been really close at all.
But no matter what anyone says, you don't have to feel any way at all, and at most, you have to do some things to go through the rituals with the people who survive your grandmother.
I find that the hardest thing I deal with, with family members being sick or dying, is feeling guilt that I'm not feeling what I "ought" to be feeling (or what I think I ought to be feeling?). Rather than just feeling whatever it is I'm actually feeling and moving on from there, I negate whatever feelings I am having as being the wrong ones. If that makes any sense. For me, guilt is my main emotional state that I feel when I experince loss (I ought to feel more. I ought to feel less. I ought to be handling this better. I'm making it all about me. I'm not helping enough...)
What I'm really saying is an affirmation of what everyone else has said: the conflicted and guilty feelings are as much a valid emotional state as simple sadness. And so take care of yourself and I'm sending you lots of hugs.
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