maybe I really should just quit
I'm not giving the talk anymore. I've done a bunch of experiments this week, trying to increase the weight of evidence for what I was going to present. Unfortunately, every result contradicts my previous data. At first my advisor was his usual optimistic self and kept saying I could leave the bits I was unsure of out, but then he realised there wasn't going to be much of substance left and suggested I withdraw.
I wanted to argue, but really, I wouldn't be happy publishing anything I've got so far, so I really shouldn't present it anywhere other than lab meeting. Of course, right after I sent the email saying I wanted to withdraw, my advisor called back to say he'd thought of a way I could frame the believable stuff to make it more coherent without the dubious parts, but I think it's better not to.
He also called back another time to see if I wanted to not go to the conference in order to stay here and work. Hell no! I'm feeling stupid and demoralised enough that I'd probably just procrastinate and/or mess up any experiment I did. Plus, I've been hoping to use the conference as a gauge for my enthusiasm for science. If nothing there excites me enough to be able to imagine myself working on it, I think I'll give up on continuing in research. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to not go. Maybe he'd prefer me to do more work, but I doubt my registration fee and airfare are refundable at this point.
I feel pretty worthless right now, so I'm going to try to focus on the good things. Like, now I can go home immediately, instead of finishing a last experiment and writing my poster and talk. And, I can sleep in tomorrow. And, I can go skiing next week, without having to worry about preparing my talk. I'm going to pick up ice cream and chocolate on my way home and hopefully put off the self-loathing and -recrimination for another day.
posted by Lucy @ 6:52 PM
6
comments
6 Comments:
If the self-loathing and recrimination catch up with you this weekend, you know how to reach me, yes? I'll beat them off with LG's hockey stick.
I'm sure you've thought of this, but plenty of people decide they don't really like their subject. If you do decide it's not what you want to do, that's fine and not a mark on you that you don't want to do your particular line of work. If you do decide that though, it may be worth toughing it out and getting the credentials though. It's not like you ever have to tell employers you hate what you used to do. But if you hate it so much, maybe it's not healthy to stay in such a situation.
In any event, I feel ya. Science is hard and sometimes promising early results just evaporate no matter how hard and diligently you work. It can really get to you, especially if you've had a string of results like that.
I'm sorry, Lucy. It sounds like your advisor is stretched too thin - which happens to many of us - so I wondered if there was anyone else on your committee who could offer some thoughts and encouragement. I've always had trouble framing results - more from meager than conflicting data - but there have been other students and faculty who have read papers and tried to offer ideas. While projects are often independent, their presentation works much better if done by groups.
I don't think you should quit, sweetheart. You're smart and talented and having the degree has opened enough doors for me that I believe it's worthwhile. But if nobody on campus can help, start reaching out to people online. I'll happily read through abstracts and results and try to help you frame new information. Friend is also very good at that sort of thing! :) Let people know you need attention and I think you'll be just fine.
If you think you can power through - I think you should try and finish the degree and from there you can change your outlook on life. My dad always told me what you do for your PhD you can completely toss aside once you are out and do something completely new that interests you. The PhD no matter what you decide to do will open doors. I'm planning to do that - when I start my faculty position in the fall I have a whole new slew of topics that I want to do - most of them not in the lab because well really I have no desire to do lab-based work anymore or have students do lab-based work. My PhD really has shown me that I enjoy the non-lab research much more (at least when the non-lab research is frustrating you aren't on your feet for 16 hours!)
As for the conference - if there is way you and your advisor can come up with a talk that is satisfactory - I would give it rather than withdraw. I know you are shy, but even if you do withdraw and you go to the conference try and seek out sessions and/or people with alternative careers and see if what they do sounds interesting.
So sorry to hear it! Try not to hate yourself over it, though. That's how science goes, after all: sometimes promising early results evaporate upon further study. By withdrawing, you're demonstrating a responsible attitude towards the broader scientific community and a commendable personal maturity, as well. It isn't everybody who can let go of sunk costs and move on, after all.
Sleep on any decision about leaving the field. Really think it through. Grads go through many dark nights of the soul, as they say, in the process of completing. Maybe you will come to realize that you do belong in science; maybe you will come to realize you would be far happier doing something else. Just don't rush the decision.
And as far as feeling worn out and generally lousy, a bit of nutrition advice: make sure you are getting plenty of iron, B vitamins, and Omega-3s (easiest from flax seeds or from oily fish). A deficiency in any of these can leave you feeling worn down and depressed.
I want you to know that, coming from a 12 year clinical laboratory background, there are lots of things you can do even if your research work hasn't gone so well.
One of the things that turned me off to research work early in biology was that I often contaminated my cultures in my tissue culture class. I couldn't even get them to grow long enough to do ANY experiments on them. I was never more demoralized than when I found my last attempt to grow cultures contaminated for the fifth time. I was devastated. I never failed so badly at anything. Fortunately, it was just one undergraduate class I dropped, but it showed to me I wasn't up for the finickiness of research.
Instead of going into research, I decided to stay on the clinical side of things - working in food microbiology, forensics (I worked for the government), and then medical genetics clinical lab testing.
In all these areas, no I wasn't doing original research, but I was in the lab doing what I loved. We worked on tests that were tried and true. The forensics position also gave me a paid training period before I ever stepped into doing casework on my own. Those who had advanced degrees ended up being supervisors or training coordinators. Even though I didn't have an advanced degree, after 8 years of laboratory experience, I was put into a supervisory position at my last job at a major university hospital. My on-the-job experienced counted at least as much as a master's degree as far as my lab director was concerned.
So, what I'm saying for you is that even if basic research side of things is stacked against you, there is plenty of things you can do with your degree on the clinical/industry side of things. Don't limit your focus to "if's it's not a research position, I'm doomed".
Salvage what you can of your research, present your findings, and get your degree, and start thinking what other related positions can you do with your skills. I have a former colleague who still got her master's degree even after her research stalled and really didn't produce what she hoped it would. She presented what she learned from it and still was awarded the degree. Her employers didn't care that her research didn't live up to its expectations, it became irrelevant. It was the degree that mattered.
Life isn't over because the research isn't working out. There's lots of well-paid, respectable laboratory opportunities out there that are in the clinical/government/industrial sector, you just have to think a little outside the box.
It'll be okay. Really. Keep your chin up.
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