lucy, the evil, heartless bitch: part four

previously on LtEHB:
prologue
drinking game
part one
part two
part three
trading cards


At one point yesterday, I said something to wolfangel about how clueless I was when applying to grad school. As soon as I said it, I realised my mistake, because I didn't want to explain why. I probably should've told the truth, but I don't deal well at all with worlds colliding and there's a big difference between typing something and saying it out loud, so I just mumbled bits of my usual RL explanation... Sorry about that, wolfa, but at least this way the answer comes with the next installment of LtEHB.
So, after the events of part three, S was keen to figure out how we could actually meet, and preferably live in the same place. I was still living in my fantasy land where all my doubts and concerns would vanish as soon as we met, so I was probably just as interested. I'd wanted to go overseas to do a PhD, since I first heard of the Rhodes scholarships. I think the motivation was definitely that someone would pay for you to live somewhere cool, rather than any idea of what a PhD actually was - other than something people who were good at school did. I think it was also a benchmark for being smart - if I were really intelligent, I could win something like that.
Anyway, by the time I got to finishing undergrad, I'd realised I wasn't anywhere near that smart, but I still wanted to do a PhD in the UK (I'd also briefly considered France, since I'd taken the French-as-a-foreign-language exams, but I realised that passing those didn't actually mean I could cope with learning anything in French). It didn't seem like too much of a change to go to the US instead, although it never had the same appeal as living in Europe (I'm still contemplating the idea of doing a post-doc in some French-speaking country (although, my French has all but disappeared in the last 4 years) or the UK).
I had no clue how to pick a grad school in the US, unfortunately. I'm not sure it would've been any easier if I'd gone to the UK, either, except that my advisor might have had some contacts. I almost applied to the UK, as well, and maybe I should have, but I was too indecisive (and intimidated by the fact that my super-dedicated and intelligent classmate wasn't having much luck with her applications) and let the deadline pass. I've since looked up programs in the UK, because I like to wallow in regrets like that. I couldn't actually find any programs that seemed to have what I'm interested in, and nothing as cool as my current project, but I probably could've found a lab I liked.
The main difference between the UK and US that I use as a reason for choosing the US, is that it seems to be the norm in the UK to approach the head of a lab you're interested in working in directly, rather than applying to a program. I was worried about picking a lab without knowing anything about it, other than the research topic, so I claim that's what made me want to come here, where you get to do a few rotations in different labs to try them out. Really, though, I never would've thought to come to the US if it weren't for S. Mainly because I could've been almost done with my PhD by now if I'd gone to the UK!
Having no other basis for choosing grad schools in the US, I picked fairly randomly based on location. I thought about applying to some places on the west coast, but it seemed like that would defeat the purpose of the going to the US at all. I also had no idea what my chances were of getting in anywhere. Luckily, there are a lot of universities within a few-state radius, so I ended up applying for a couple of Prestigious Universities, a couple of plausibly decent schools and a few embarrassingly low-tier schools. I feel horribly snobbish by calling them low-tier, but as soon as I got to the recruitment weekend here, I realised none of the other students would've even considered the plausibly decent schools as options, so I learned to avoid listing off the places I'd applied. Instead, I shift the conversation to talking about how clueless I was in general.
There were so many hoops to jump through just to apply, and I almost missed most of them. I was late registering to take the GRE, but the person administering them at my uni said I could just show up and they'd have some extra papers. In the end, the papers never arrived and while ETS would make allowances for the people who'd actually registered, I had to travel a long way to take the computer version (and therefore missed getting to do the quantitative section since they switched it to the stupid new written one right after I should've taken it). I took a subject test, and did fairly mediocrely. I paid way too much for express postage and took full advantage of the time difference to get things delivered on time.
In the end, I got into one Prestigious U and the 2 laughable ones. I think they were the only programs that didn't require interviews, too, which all contributed to my conviction that the Prestigious U acceptance was a mistake. Too bad for them if it was, though, 'cause they're stuck with me now.
During all this time, I was still trying to convince myself that everything would work out with S and I wasn't making a horrible mistake. I felt happy when I thought about how sweet and kind S was and how I could talk to him about almost anything (online at least) and I could imagine meeting him and feeling the missing attraction and everything being perfect. But I also remember feeling sad that I was missing out on the kind of super-happy, thinking-the-other-person-is-gorgeous-and-perfect love that is portrayed in movies and books. As much as I was deluding myself, I don't think I was fooling myself that I was really in love.
I knew I had more power over S, in that he definitely cared more than me, but then, if he didn't, nothing would ever have happened, because if there'd been any question about whether he liked me, I would've easily convinced myself he didn't and not even tried to talk to him. As it was, I kept testing how much he'd put up with (although I wouldn't have admitted that was what I was doing at the time). I was far more social in real life then than I had been previously, or am now. I guess it helped my confidence a lot to have someone like me that much. I'd go out with friends and come home and decide I was too tired to log on and chat. Or I'd leave our conversation to talk to someone on the phone. I was horribly needy when I was feeling miserable, too, making him spend ages reassuring me. He took my disorganisation with application things as a sign that I wasn't that committed to the idea, which was probably at least partly the case.
After I couldn't take the GRE in my city, he'd finally had enough. He said it was obvious I didn't really care about him so he didn't want to talk to me anymore. After he abrubtly left the chat room and logged off, I panicked. I really did feel like I was losing someone and something very important to me and I was desperate for him to change his mind. I sent a grovelling email saying how sorry I was that I was jeopardising our chance to be together and that I wouldn't let anything get in the way etc and he did change his mind. I kind of wish I hadn't apologised, though, or he hadn't accepted it, because then it would've been over sooner and more easily. Instead, I took my panic to mean that I was doing the right thing and really did want to be with him.
The next time I felt that panicked was for very different reasons, but that will have to wait for part five.