lucy, the evil, heartless bitch: part eight

previously on LtEHB

I think this is the last episode.

After I got home, I was fairly passive aggressive about avoiding S. I'd talked to him on IRC throughout my honours year when I was supposed to be doing research and writing my thesis, but now I became "too busy" to log on. I avoided the shyness group channel entirely for several months because I didn't want to admit to them that I was going to grad school in the US, for fear they'd guess the reason why. The main reason I haven't told either of the IRC friends I'm still occasionally in touch with about this blog is that I don't want them to read this story. I don't think I'm worried about S's privacy, even though they'd know instantly who I'm talking about. I think I'm just ashamed of the whole story, which also makes me feel evil.
After I arrived in the US, I still avoided contacting S for several weeks, until I finally logged onto IRC and he was there. I guess I'd kind of been hoping he'd forget about me and I could forget about him.
I agreed to see him and it was, unsurprisingly, awkward. I could see he was still hopeful that I'd eventually want to be more than friends again. He still wanted to sit too close to me and hug me too often. I tried to be friendly, but I felt crushingly guilty at having to keep making it clear that I could only be friends. I also felt bad because I didn't really want to be friends and was seeing him out of guilt and pity. I didn't have anything to say to him and he didn't have much to say either. We'd have dinner together and I'd be acutely aware that we looked like one of those couples who have nothing to say to each other, that people notice and wonder why they bother. I started making excuses to see him less often, and then I'd suggest going to movies or doing activities where it wouldn't matter that we didn't have much to talk about.
Eventually, he started to complain that we never got to talk and I had to admit that I just didn't have anything to say, and didn't feel comfortable talking to him the way I used to. I hadn't noticed him trying to talk to me about anything, but then I'm not always the most observant.
I think I must have ended up telling him I didn't think I could be friends at all, but I don't remember. In any case, I didn't see him for a few months, then just before I moved out of the dorm, he called me to complain that I'd been ignoring his emails. My old undergrad email account had finally been shut off, and I'd forgotten that he only had that address for me. If he'd waited to call, I wouldn't have been at the same phone number either, which would've made things easier for me, but worse for him, perhaps. I was going away, as well, so I said maybe we could get together after I got back, but then I really did ignore his email for a while.
I finally agreed to see him one last time and it was fine, but I still didn't feel any desire to be friends with him. He said he'd finally accepted that I wasn't going to change my mind about being more than friends, and he kept saying he would rather see me every few months or so, than never, even after I explained I didn't feel anything except guilt and regret when I saw him (I've just been rereading old emails and I sound so cruel), but I couldn't do it. I didn't see him again until earlier this year, which brings us back to the start of this series.

I can see now that I should have just been clearer in the beginning and not tried to be friends all that time. Or maybe that wouldn't have been any better... Trying to go along with as much of what S wanted as I could was an attempt to soften the blow, but that obviously didn't work.
He did say he was glad he got to be happy, if only temporarily, but the rest of his emails make me feel so guilty. What he wanted (just to hang out occasionally) sounds so reasonable, which is why I found it so hard to say no. I guess I'm still just as confused as ever.

When I saw him last time, he did say he'd been making more of an effort to be sociable and had joined some groups and things, so at least his life is slightly better than it was before I met him. I think I can take credit for some small part of that change, but it's not enough to make me stop feeling guilty.