I talked again

I saw the therapist again today. I was going to tell her about going to the anxiety group interview last week, but she was asking questions, so I just answered them, instead. I actually told her about my blog, though. She did ask if I could share something I'd written here, so she had a better idea of what I write about, but I'm not sure about that. She could google it and find the whole thing! Although, I don't think she would think of doing that, really.
She asked what the difference was between meeting someone who'd read my blog and letting someone I already know read it. I couldn't really explain. My first thought was that people I know would realise I was weird and freakish if they read what I write here, but then her argument was that the people who read this first must see something appealling or interesting, rather than just freakish, so why wouldn't the RL people? I couldn't come up with anything that would defeat her logic, but I still don't really understand why y'all don't just think I'm a weird loser. I know some of you can identify with some of my freakishness, although you're not yourselves freaks, and there is always the trainwreck explanation*...
The people I know in real life seem like people who would skim an entry of my blog and think "why would anyone post the pathetic details of their life online like that?" before closing the tab. Do I just know the wrong people? Maybe I'm just not giving them a chance to get to know me, and vice versa, but that does seem far too scary to do without some indication that they wouldn't just think I'm weird. I don't know how to gradually and appropriately open up. It's a lot easier here where I can just post whatever I like and I only hear from the people who have a positive reaction. I haven't had anyone feel compelled to tell me I'm a freak before navigating away, so I can pretend they don't exist. It is a nice screening mechanism.
I guess I'm also afraid of changing people's images of me. I feel uncomfortable when someone is surprised by learning something new about me, as if I've done something wrong. Having said that, I can see it's a ridiculous way to think. I make it worse by being so secretive, too, so that anything I might reveal has obviously been hidden for no good reason for a long time. The secretiveness makes me feel even more like people will think I'm weird, on top of whatever I might say.
The therapist asked if making blog friends made it easier to understand how to make friends in general, but I don't think it has. I just feel lucky that all these really cool people seem willing to read/comment/email/hang out. I can see how I should take some responsibility for that, but I don't know for what, or how to replicate it in real life. Which is a pity, because today it was gorgeous and sunny and I wanted someone to get ice cream with. Sadly, blogfriends are not always as readily available for such things as I would like.
Of course, it would probably help if I felt and/or acted on the urge to ask the people I do know to do things with me more often. I just assume they're not interested, or I procrastinate long enough that the opportunity is gone. I was just tempted to email the people in my program who I'd like to be friends with, who I had dinner with a while ago, and then haven't gotten around to contacting again. I didn't finish the email, though, because, surely if they were interested in being friends with me, they would've contacted me? I was pretty quiet last time and just listened to them talk mostly, too, so they'll probably think it's weird that I want to do that again**.
One thing I really need to work on is having things to say. Probably my most common anxious thought is that I can't talk to because I have nothing to say. Obviously, I have enough to say to write blog posts, but this is all very self-centred. Again, it's also easier to just say what I want and not worry about whether any specific person will be interested. One reason I never call anyone is that I can't believe anything I have to say would be interesting enough to interrupt them and demand their attention like that.
I'm pretty sure I've written large chunks of this post before, so I'll stop rambling, even if you are free to quit reading at any time.


* Quick poll: is my blog more or less entertaining now that I'm not so miserable and depressed all the time?

** I guess this should go in today's "alternative thoughts" log...