I talked again

I saw the therapist again today. I was going to tell her about going to the anxiety group interview last week, but she was asking questions, so I just answered them, instead. I actually told her about my blog, though. She did ask if I could share something I'd written here, so she had a better idea of what I write about, but I'm not sure about that. She could google it and find the whole thing! Although, I don't think she would think of doing that, really.
She asked what the difference was between meeting someone who'd read my blog and letting someone I already know read it. I couldn't really explain. My first thought was that people I know would realise I was weird and freakish if they read what I write here, but then her argument was that the people who read this first must see something appealling or interesting, rather than just freakish, so why wouldn't the RL people? I couldn't come up with anything that would defeat her logic, but I still don't really understand why y'all don't just think I'm a weird loser. I know some of you can identify with some of my freakishness, although you're not yourselves freaks, and there is always the trainwreck explanation*...
The people I know in real life seem like people who would skim an entry of my blog and think "why would anyone post the pathetic details of their life online like that?" before closing the tab. Do I just know the wrong people? Maybe I'm just not giving them a chance to get to know me, and vice versa, but that does seem far too scary to do without some indication that they wouldn't just think I'm weird. I don't know how to gradually and appropriately open up. It's a lot easier here where I can just post whatever I like and I only hear from the people who have a positive reaction. I haven't had anyone feel compelled to tell me I'm a freak before navigating away, so I can pretend they don't exist. It is a nice screening mechanism.
I guess I'm also afraid of changing people's images of me. I feel uncomfortable when someone is surprised by learning something new about me, as if I've done something wrong. Having said that, I can see it's a ridiculous way to think. I make it worse by being so secretive, too, so that anything I might reveal has obviously been hidden for no good reason for a long time. The secretiveness makes me feel even more like people will think I'm weird, on top of whatever I might say.
The therapist asked if making blog friends made it easier to understand how to make friends in general, but I don't think it has. I just feel lucky that all these really cool people seem willing to read/comment/email/hang out. I can see how I should take some responsibility for that, but I don't know for what, or how to replicate it in real life. Which is a pity, because today it was gorgeous and sunny and I wanted someone to get ice cream with. Sadly, blogfriends are not always as readily available for such things as I would like.
Of course, it would probably help if I felt and/or acted on the urge to ask the people I do know to do things with me more often. I just assume they're not interested, or I procrastinate long enough that the opportunity is gone. I was just tempted to email the people in my program who I'd like to be friends with, who I had dinner with a while ago, and then haven't gotten around to contacting again. I didn't finish the email, though, because, surely if they were interested in being friends with me, they would've contacted me? I was pretty quiet last time and just listened to them talk mostly, too, so they'll probably think it's weird that I want to do that again**.
One thing I really need to work on is having things to say. Probably my most common anxious thought is that I can't talk to because I have nothing to say. Obviously, I have enough to say to write blog posts, but this is all very self-centred. Again, it's also easier to just say what I want and not worry about whether any specific person will be interested. One reason I never call anyone is that I can't believe anything I have to say would be interesting enough to interrupt them and demand their attention like that.
I'm pretty sure I've written large chunks of this post before, so I'll stop rambling, even if you are free to quit reading at any time.


* Quick poll: is my blog more or less entertaining now that I'm not so miserable and depressed all the time?

** I guess this should go in today's "alternative thoughts" log...

I talked

It wasn't so bad. I got there a bit early and kept knitting while I waited, so she asked about that and we talked about knitting for a while to start with (I didn't make any promises about content). I did talk about the other people in the knitting group I was going to, though. Mainly I just answered her questions, but that was still a lot more talking than I usually do. I actually tried to explain some of the misconceptions she's had, like that I've actually been feeling better since the start of the year. I was going to tell her that I stopped taking the medication and that I'd called the social anxiety group people, but I didn't get to that, since she asked about other things.
She was kind of hesitant to even mention it, in case I shut down again, but she did ask if I knew why I was talking more than usual. I couldn't help smiling then (I don't think I've ever smiled in there before) and I told her about the pinky swear. She was so happy that I talked; it was kind of cute. I could see how opening up a little makes other people respond, too. I hadn't really got the impression that she was that interested in why I wouldn't talk or anything, so seeing how happy she was made me feel better.
I'm still only going once a month, so I'm not sure how helpful it will be. We didn't talk about the book we were going to work through and she suggested that maybe we wouldn't need it, if I was going to start talking more, but I'm not sure about that. It makes me feel a little better about the prospect of going to the four hour appointment with the anxiety group people next week, at least, knowing I can actually talk, if I try harder. It was a lot easier once I got started.

talk or switch

The friend who got me to ask my advisor for a new laptop by threatenting to cut off a toe just made me pinky swear to talk to the therapist at my appointment tomorrow or switch therapists.
I don't really want to do either, but I know it is pointless to continue to go to my appointments just to sit in silence, only occasionally nodding or shaking my head. Theoretically, I do want to talk to her and get help, but I forget about that once I'm there and just want to escape without revealing anything too freakish about myself (yes, I'm aware that not saying anything is very weird, anyway; maybe I just don't want to say anything out loud).
It could be easier to talk this time, because I did buy this book on Overcoming Social Anxiety to work through with her. I've been dreading that because actually doing something about my anxiety is scary. That is the whole reason for going to therapy, of course...
Part of the reason I don't talk to her is that she doesn't make me. I know I should be self-motivated and want to talk on my own, but maybe someone else forcing me to talk would be good. I had always thought that talking on the phone was far worse than in person, but when I did the phone screening for the social anxiety program I mentioned here, I ended up saying more than I would've otherwise because the lack of non-verbal means of communication meant I had to say things out loud. I'm not sure how the therapist could make me talk, anyway. Maybe if she repeated her questions and didn't move on until I'd answered, it would be harder to just wait her out. I don't want to tell her that, though.
The social anxiety program person finally called back last week with an appointment time for their more thorough screening. It's a 4 hour session, which scares me, without even thinking about what it might involve. That's in a couple of weeks' time.
My other option is to switch therapists. I feel awkward about that idea because I would feel rude or ungrateful stopping going to the current therapist (even though she'd probably be glad to be rid of me). Also, I wouldn't know how to find anyone better. She's apparently asked other therapists at the same place for help with figuring out what to do with me and not seemed to get any great feedback, so I don't know if there is someone there who could be more helpful. I could go somewhere other than the student health service and pay for it myself. Paying could help my motivation to actually do something useful with the time, but I would have to figure out how to find someone. The thought of having to start over with a new person is scary, too.
What do you think? Would it be better to talk or switch?

reading about shyness

I had a therapy appointment this morning. As usual, I didn't really think about it beforehand, because it's not like I can come up with something to talk about. Last time I'd told her that the psychiatrist gave me a book to read. She asked if I'd discussed the book with the psychiatrist and seemed disappointed with him when I said no. I felt bad, since it's hard to discuss anything with someone who won't talk at all. I hope she realised that.
She had said she'd try to find some books that were written for people with social anxiety, rather than for clinicians and this time she had some printouts from Amazon to show me. I glanced through them enough to read the titles, but there was no other information by which to compare them. Because I didn't spend long enough examining the list, she thought I wasn't interested in reading them, but I'm not sure what I was supposed to be looking for.
I'm supposed to look at them now and see if any would be helpful. It's hard to tell from the information online, because there are always a few reviews saying "this book cured me!" and a few saying it was completely useless. I have read several books like this before, so I know what they're going to say, anyway.
I'm not sure how I feel about working through something like cognitive-behavioural therapy with the therapist. It might help to actually be held accountable for doing the exercises, instead of just reading the books and thinking I'll try it sometime. But, on the other hand, I might be less willing to try things if I know she's going to ask about it.
I did start looking up the books, and even checked the library catalogue for them, so I could read some of them before deciding if they'd be helpful. The first three all came up as missing, which made me wonder if they were stolen by people too shy to buy them.
I also came across a reference for this book, which looks very interesting, since it talks about shyness in terms of performing in social situations. It's not out yet, but it's on order at the Prestigious U library, luckily.