I wouldn't mind a cosy bag to hide in...

(from lolsecretz)

I had a sucky day today, followed by another humiliating group therapy session (the intervening two weren't so bad, though). I was going to whinge at length about it all here, but instead I think I shall take the advice suggested by this study and go to sleep. Maybe I'll be able to cope better tomorrow.

wallowing

I just got home from a graduate program-related weekend and I'm feeling fairly crappy. I was going to do something useful once I got home, but instead I've just been playing scrabble badly and feeling like crying. I don't think I'm quite so pathetic as to be really crying over losing at scrabble, but I'm not sure what my problem is.

I started the weekend feeling pathetic about my social skills, because I hardly talked to anyone on the bus there. Parts of the weekend were a lot better (I talked to people sometimes, including the keynote speaker, and went to one of the after parties) but unfortunately it ended the same way.

Seeing my classmates presenting their results when I have nothing to show was kind of depressing. It wasn't exactly reassuring to learn that 30-50% of them are on anti-depressants and several are thinking of quitting, but I did feel a little relieved that I'm not the only one.

The people I emailed back in May who never responded to my suggestion that we get together didn't mention that, but did say we should organise something, so I guess they don't hate me... I still didn't have much to say to them, or anyone, though and numerous times found myself standing/sitting alone. I tried joining groups of people, but I still ended up on the periphery just listening.

I thought maybe blogging would make me feel better, but instead I'm feeling worse. I shouldn't focus on the negative things, I guess. The fact that I'm such a crappy blogger now, isn't helping. Nor is listening to my housemates chatting, while I'm hiding in my room. I should find something to do that will make me feel better, but somehow it's more appealing to just wallow...

Update: I went to the gym and am watching baseball and now I'm feeling better. Housemates were watching the game when I left so I thought I'd watch the end with them, but they had all disappeared by the time I got back. I did hesitate to come downstairs and watch by myself, but it's better than hiding in my room.

The Plan: month 8 (I think)

I know you don't care about The Plan (and it's not like I've built up any readerly goodwill by posting other things you might be interested in, I'm sorry. One more person can still comment on the last post and I'll send you a present, though!). I just played 3 games of 5-minute Scrabble instead of doing any work, though (at least I won), so I need some help to get back on track. I've even lost track of what month I'm on... I did finally get a whole month's worth of stars after losing momentum last month. It was a struggle, though. I was away on Sunday and should've started the new set of stars yesterday, but I gave up before I even started and checked email and blogs before doing any work. It's too late for today as well, but maybe setting out my goals will help me make something of the day, anyway.

1. Health


That doesn't look as bad as I was expecting. I did keep my room tidy for most of the month. I think I need to work on getting more sleep and eating better, despite how often the graph says I ate real meals. I know I keep saying this... Maybe I should make the stars conditional on something like that. I'm scared to, though, because I don't really think I can do it.

2. Lab


I forgot about the personal olympics thing, but I did enough to get a silver medal, anyway! I didn't realise I was doing so well (everything except writing in my lab book went up; even getting to lab by 10am) because it felt like such a struggle. What was really killing me was reading for an hour, but that was only because I kept putting it off until late at night. I think I'm going to keep the same plan (2.5 hours of work, 1 hour of reading) but make it a condition that I have to finish by 10pm. I need to focus on the specific things I keep forgetting about until I write these posts, too...

* stage 1: finish optimising the assay conditions, repeat the big set of experiments, analyse
I'm back working on figuring out assay conditions, but I have some data to analyse once I'm finished with this post that might help.

* stage 2: make/find the new reagents I need, use them
I need to pick the most important ones to make now. (I didn't do anything on that last month, but I still need to)

* stage 3: in vivo stuff.
I can actually try this now! Or almost, anyway. I should start this month, anyway. (likewise, I didn't need to change that from last time...)

3. Social
The book club I've been going to has been fun. The social anxiety group therapy is ongoing still (I have another post to write about that). I've done some fun things this month with people. The housemate I went to see the Wolves in the Walls with was teasing me about staying in my room all the time, though, so I guess I still need to work on that. I have been doing the crossword with my housemates, though.

I feel better about how I'm going after writing this out. I still haven't figured out any rewards for this, but maybe I should now.

presents!

I was sad that I didn't see this at Luckybuzz's until after she already had 5 commenters, but luckily Kermit posted the offer, too:

By the end of the calendar year, I will send a tangible, physical gift to each of the first five people to comment here. The catch? Each person must make the same offer on her/his blog.

I love mail, including sending it, so leave me a comment if you want something.

childish

I saw the play version of The Wolves in the Walls yesterday. It had too much singing and not quite enough wolves running amok, but it was still fun. I dragged a housemate along to it and was feeling a bit silly about wanting to see children's theatre, but according to the questionnaire I just got from the theatre, I still count as a child myself:

I don't get it

A new post-doc I'm working has a bizarre preference for talking on the phone instead of by email. I just had a 6-email conversation with him where he kept ducking my questions in favour of arranging when I could call him. Grr! It's not like I had complicated questions. We didn't need to discuss anything. To make things worse, I find him hard to read on the phone so there are all these awkward pauses where I think we've finished everything we needed to say, but I can't tell if he has more to talk about or is expecting me to bring up something else. Email is so much easier!

books #92-101(2007)

92. The Beautiful Miscellaneous by Dominic Smith ***1/2. Nathan's father is a physics genius who is determined to find Nathan's special gift, even though Nathan himself is fairly sure he doesn't have one. After a car accident that leaves him in a coma, he finally gains a talent (synaesthesia); even though it's not one that can be obviously exploited, his father keeps trying. Nathan is more concerned with figuring out how to deal with his father's expectations and live a normal life, so in that sense it's more of a traditional coming of age story. I liked the characters and their relationships, despite the father being an absent-minded, possibly Asperger's stereotype.

93. Hello, I Must Be Going by Christie Hodgen ***1/2. Although this book follows the whole family in the aftermath of the father's suicide, this book mainly focusses on the daughter, Frankie. It's a sad story, but was well handled and has funny moments, too. I could relate to the way she coped by withdrawing and refusing to talk to her therapist and her feelings of responsibility for her little brother, even though our family dysfunctions were very different.

94. Half Life by Shelley Jackson ***1/2. This book is set in an alternate history where nuclear testing has caused an increase in conjoined twins (known as "twofers"), specifically those with two heads but one set of arms and legs. The central character, Nora, has a twin, Blanche, who's been asleep for 15 years. The story of their childhood, when Blanche was awake, and various pieces of information about twins, twofer rights activist literature etc are interspersed with Nora's current life, where she's struggling with wanting to be rid of Blanche and become her own person. It was a very interesting book.

95. Gold by Dan Rhodes ***1/2. I really like Dan Rhodes. This was a fairly light, and light-hearted, book about a woman who goes on holiday to the same small seaside town every year and the village inhabitants she gets to know by hanging out at the pub. Not a whole lot happens in the book, but it's entertaining. It does have a tragic streak, though.

96. Housekeeping vs the Dirt by Nick Hornby ****. I loved Nick Hornby's last collection of book essays from The Believer and this was just as good. I'll have to put a bunch of books on hold at the library based on his reviews (even though I didn't love David Copperfield as much as he did).
97. Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert ***1/2. I didn't realise this was by the same author as a novel I'd read a few years ago and enjoyed (Stern Men), until I picked it up at the library. I think I liked the novel better, although this was enjoyable and there were parts that were interesting. Other parts were slightly irritating, though; maybe I'm just too cynical about traditional herbal medicine and mysticism.

98. The Best of Lady Churchill's Rosebud Wristlet edited by Kelly Link and Gavin J. Grant ***. As usual, this story collection was a mixed bag. The stories were all interesting and varied in structure and style, at least.

99. Northanger Abbey by Jane Austen ***1/2. I think I enjoyed this more than the last time I read it. The rants about how worthwhile and respectable novels are were a bit out of place and the ending was way too rushed, but it was funny.

100. Robot Dreams by Sara Varon ****1/2. This was adorable and sweet and heartbreakingly sad. I read it standing up in Barnes & Noble and then I wasn't sure if I should count it, since it has no words. I think I might want to include it on my year's-best recommendation list, though, so I'm including it.

101. The Mysteries of Udolpho by Ann Radcliffe. I haven't rated this, since I'm still working on it (slowly). So far, I'm not enjoying it that much. All the characters are a bit Mary Sue-ish (one of them just became euphoric after giving all his money to a poor farmer). Obviously, I'm reading it because Catherine loved it so much in Northanger Abbey. If the skeletons and mysterious veils and murdered/locked-in-the-attic wives don't show up in the next 50 pages, though, I might give up on it.