talk or switch

The friend who got me to ask my advisor for a new laptop by threatenting to cut off a toe just made me pinky swear to talk to the therapist at my appointment tomorrow or switch therapists.
I don't really want to do either, but I know it is pointless to continue to go to my appointments just to sit in silence, only occasionally nodding or shaking my head. Theoretically, I do want to talk to her and get help, but I forget about that once I'm there and just want to escape without revealing anything too freakish about myself (yes, I'm aware that not saying anything is very weird, anyway; maybe I just don't want to say anything out loud).
It could be easier to talk this time, because I did buy this book on Overcoming Social Anxiety to work through with her. I've been dreading that because actually doing something about my anxiety is scary. That is the whole reason for going to therapy, of course...
Part of the reason I don't talk to her is that she doesn't make me. I know I should be self-motivated and want to talk on my own, but maybe someone else forcing me to talk would be good. I had always thought that talking on the phone was far worse than in person, but when I did the phone screening for the social anxiety program I mentioned here, I ended up saying more than I would've otherwise because the lack of non-verbal means of communication meant I had to say things out loud. I'm not sure how the therapist could make me talk, anyway. Maybe if she repeated her questions and didn't move on until I'd answered, it would be harder to just wait her out. I don't want to tell her that, though.
The social anxiety program person finally called back last week with an appointment time for their more thorough screening. It's a 4 hour session, which scares me, without even thinking about what it might involve. That's in a couple of weeks' time.
My other option is to switch therapists. I feel awkward about that idea because I would feel rude or ungrateful stopping going to the current therapist (even though she'd probably be glad to be rid of me). Also, I wouldn't know how to find anyone better. She's apparently asked other therapists at the same place for help with figuring out what to do with me and not seemed to get any great feedback, so I don't know if there is someone there who could be more helpful. I could go somewhere other than the student health service and pay for it myself. Paying could help my motivation to actually do something useful with the time, but I would have to figure out how to find someone. The thought of having to start over with a new person is scary, too.
What do you think? Would it be better to talk or switch?

books #23-29 (2007)

Only 29 books in four months? What's wrong with me?

23. Benighted by Kit Whitfield ****. I did really like this book - thanks, Wolfa! I can't come up with a better description so go read wolfa's post here (and the one linked above).

24. Shantaram by Gregory David Roberts ***. This book is a quasi-autobiographical story about a guy who escapes from prison in Australia and ends up living in a slum in India and being part of organised crime there and smuggling guns into Afghanistan. It was very interesting, but it was so frickin' long that at the later stages I just wanted it to end. I also could've done without the descriptions of him gouging a guy's eye out, for example. I was hoping it would finish with him being recaptured, but apparently he's saving that for a sequel. The wikipedia entry on the author says "Gregory ... is in great demand in both speaking circles and universities, having profound and original philosophies about life", which irritates me, since his "profound and original philosophies about life" were the parts of the book that annoyed me most. And now that I'm irritated, I just dropped its rating by half a star...

25. Magic's Child by Justine Larbalestier. This was the last of the Magic or Madness trilogy. It was better than the previous two (perhaps because the characters had finally gotten used to each other's language differences), but still not great.

26. Anthropology by Dan Rhodes ****1/2. I think I like super-short stories better than just short ones. This book contains 101 101-word love stories, some happy, some sad and some kind of twisted. Jeremy posted a few of them here.

27. There Will Never be Another You by Carolyn See ***. This was interesting enough, but it didn't leave a strong impression. It was just one of those books about people dealing with their everyday anxieties and lack of meaning in their lives.

28. Don't Tell Me the Truth About Love by Dan Rhodes ****. Actually, maybe I just like Dan Rhodes' short stories, because these were good too (although, some of them were long enough to have chapters).

29. We Need to Talk About Kevin by Lionel Shriver ****. This book was kind of disturbing, as it should be, given that it's about a boy who kills nine people at his school. It's told in the form of letters from his mother to her estranged husband, so you get her reflections on what the kid was like growing up. Although she talks about things that probably influenced his antisocial personality and behaviour, like her lack of attachment and his father's oblivious jollity, the book doesn't really try to explain why he carries out his elaborately planned massacre.

tarquin

A lion seems far too bold for me. I like wolfa's snow leopard better, I think. You can try changing him to something else if your answers to the quiz differ from mine.

spoiled

I had a very happy birthday yesterday. Thank you for all your birthday wishes! :) Look at (almost) all the cool stuff I got (there are notes on the flickr page):

There was a mysterious Amazon package waiting for me when I got home on Tuesday, which turned out to be my Dad's present (the books on the left of the photo). I saved my Mum's package until yesterday morning and it was full of cool stuff. The cupcakes in the recipe book look amazing. The pink pyjamas have incredibly cute penguins on them. She also sent me a CD of Winnie the Pooh stories, continuing to convince me that she wishes I were 5. Winnie the Pooh is awesome, though, so I'm happy.
Luckybuzz took me to lunch, which was very yummy and fun, and gave me the Where the Wild Things Are card, with stickers to recreate scenes from the book (and you know how much I like playing with stickers) and the magnet underneath that says "Nothing is too wonderful to be true".
I was supposed to meet my advisor to talk about a grant in the morning, but when I went to his office he said he had to do something so he'd find me later. After I came back from lunch, the meeting turned out to be partially an excuse to pin me down for cake with the lab. SuperGradStudent gave me "What is the What", too.
Then I went to a seminar, which was the worst part of my day, but not that bad. The person next to me at a seminar spilled his full cup of coffee in my lap, on my favourite jeans, too. Luckily, it wasn't hot enough to burn, but I did end up smelling like coffee (which I can't stand) the rest of the day.
In the evening I went to the movies with some housemates. We saw Hot Fuzz, which was very funny, even if I hadn't seen enough of the parodied movies to get all the references.
After we got home my housemates spent some time whispering furtively and generally being secretive, before making up a lame excuse about someone needing help with something in the dining room and bringing out cake. It was incredibly yummy (homemade) cheesecake and they also got me a subscription to McSweeney's Quarterly Concern and chocolates from my favourite chocolate place (including the almost-too-cute-to-eat mice in the photo).
These socks were also a gift, to go with my C'landian flag socks that I wore yesterday in honour of ANZAC day.
My friend who was visiting here in January called me from Singapore and so did my brother who's working on a yacht in the Mediterranean, as well as my Mum. And I got emails and text messages from other people.
I feel very spoiled, and happy.

I went to the gym and did some work yesterday, but I didn't have enough time between the fun stuff for a whole star's worth. I can take a holiday for my birthday, though, can't I, Official Star Arbitrator? :)

happy birthday, blog!

I guess I'm already 27, even though it's not my birthday yet in this time zone, but it is unambiguously my blog's 2nd birthday. Things have improved a lot since I started this blog, for reasons largely related to the blog itself, so I'm very glad I started it. Thank you all for your comments and support! They've meant a lot to me and made a real difference. It's been great to meet some of you in real life, but I'm very glad to know you all, even if it is only virtually.

birthday anxiety

As you may have noticed from my last couple of posts, I've been struggling with social anxiety stuff this week. I think it's at least partly related to my impending birthday. I wanted to do something to celebrate, because I've been feeling so much better this year, compared to the last two years when I was miserable and just wanted to hide and ignore it. Unfortunately, I've realised that the depression might be better, but my anxiety is not, and that's making me feel sad again.
I'm anxious about trying to celebrate my birthday because it feels too demanding to ask people to do something with me. It's in the middle of the week, so people are busy and I live kind of far from my classmates, so it'd be inconvenient for them. Plus, I hardly ever see the classmates I'd like to invite so it seems selfish to ask them to do something now. And I have been spending more time with my housemates instead of hiding in my room, but I don't feel like I'm as good friends with the rest of them as they are with each other and they'd just feel obliged to say yes if I invited them to do something. I guess I feel like using my birthday as an excuse is kind of a guilt trip, because people don't generally respond when I suggest things to do at other times, so if they did say yes this time, it would just be because they felt sorry for me, or something.
My mum called last night and asked what I was going to do, so I'll feel bad if I don't have something to tell her about my actual birthday. My house traditionally makes cake for birthdays, though, so there will be that. My mum also asked if I'd opened my birthday package yet, as if I'd open it on some random day and then have nothing birthday-ish left on the day itself.
My birthday is tomorrow, so presumably it's too late to try to organise anything, anyway. Maybe I'll see if anyone wants to go to the movie we were talking about seeing, though.

ammunition

I saw the Neil LaBute play Fat Pig recently, and while the story about an image-conscious guy dating an overweight woman was kind of interesting, what stuck with me was just the way the characters interacted, or rather my reaction to it. I kept cringing at their directness and openness with their feelings and then being surprised that there didn’t seem to be any negative consequences.
One character, when she felt she’d been wronged by another, had no hesitation in yelling at him in public and in great detail about everything he did to upset her. The man she was yelling at was embarrassed, but it was her I felt afraid for, opening herself up like that and letting him see how much he’d affected her.
Watching the main couple progress from strangers to being a couple, I could almost see how it was done, but then every time the woman said something about how much she liked the man or asked him for reassurance, I was thinking “Are you crazy? You’re just handing him all that power over you!”
I know they’re fictional characters in a play, and their shallowness didn’t really add to their believability, but my reaction was kind of revelatory. I hadn’t realised so clearly that the/a reason I find it so hard to talk is that it feels like anything I tell someone is a piece of ammunition that can be used against me. It takes a fair amount of trust to say anything, even if it is just what I did this week. (You’re taking a photography class? You think you can do something creative? Don’t be ridiculous. Or maybe you’re trying to meet people, or fill in some time, since you have no friends to hang out with. That’s pathetic. Shouldn’t you be spending more time doing actual work, anyway?*) I can’t say anything in therapy because just being there is admitting far more than feels safe.
I often find myself thinking up excuses for doing things that might be more valid, or more resistant to negative interpretations, than my real reasons. I know enough not to offer these explanations unless someone asks, and rarely is anyone even interested, but I still feel the need to justify myself a lot.** My dad used to ask me what I was thinking fairly frequently, so when I was around him, I’d sometimes try to think of suitable answers in advance, just in case he asked. I’d just have to make something up, anyway, since all existing thoughts tend to vanish completely in the panic at being asked. The panic is probably a defence mechanism to avoid having to admit to whatever I was thinking about, and it works; I can only occasionally reconstruct my previous thoughts.
I guess I know where this came from. My mum was always very conscious of what other people thought. I remember being comforted briefly by my dad telling me “what other people think of me is none of my business”, until I offered that defence the next time my mum was telling me the latest appearance that needed keeping up and she dismissed it by saying “he would say that; he has no clue***”. My brother would use the ammunition himself, rather than just describing the damage others could do.
Revelations are all well and good, but yet again, I’m left knowing what the problem is and still not being able to do anything about it…



* Incidentally, I’m dreading the portraiture section of the photography class. I didn’t sign up for the optional session with a model (and I’m contemplating just skipping the homework) because the instructor is interested in our interactions with the subject of the portraits. Apparently the model would critique our interactions with her; I can’t imagine anything worse.

** Right now, I’m wondering if I need an excuse for being up so late, since I can hear a housemate out in the kitchen. She doesn’t need to explain why she’s up, of course.

*** My dad’s diagnosis with Asperger’s meant that his view of the importance of other people’s opinions was seen as the abnormal one. It took a long time for me to realise they were probably both equally far from the mean.

self-disclosure quiz

When someone asks "what have you been doing this week?", what's the correct level of detail to answer with? What if the someone is my mother? A friend? An acquaintance?

(a) Nothing much.

(b) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on the weekend, but otherwise just the usual labwork and stuff.

(c) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on Saturday and some of us made pizza on Sunday with a friend who's leaving. It was another housemate's birthday this week, so we had cake for that. Then, I had my photography class tonight.

(d) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on Saturday and some of us made pizza on Sunday with a friend who's leaving. It was another housemate's birthday this week, so we had cake for that. Then, I had my photography class tonight. This week we had to take photos of our street; next week we're doing portraits. I'm still going to the gym everyday and I'm taking this boot camp class, which is pretty painful, but getting slightly easier. The other grad student in my lab is away, so it's been pretty quiet in lab. It was my turn to present a paper in the class I'm taking and it was a really boring one, unfortunately.

(e) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on Saturday. We wanted to go to this restaurant we've been meaning to try for the last several times we've gone to concerts, but we lost a housemate temporarily and didn't make it, yet again. We might go to an opera performance there next week and try again, though. Some of us made pizza on Sunday with a friend who's leaving to go to the UK for a few months. It was another housemate's birthday this week, so we had cake for that. I helped one housemate make the cake on Tuesday. It was apple-muffin-spice cake and very yummy. I had my photography class tonight. This week we had to take photos of our street, but I couldn't find much to take photos of. I took a photo of a tree reflected in a puddle, that I liked, though. Next week we're doing portraits, so I have to find someone to let me take their photo, or I could just take photos of random passers-by. I'm still going to the gym everyday and I'm taking this boot camp class, which is pretty painful, but getting slightly easier. I'm kind of enjoying the class, but I'm not too upset about having to miss the one tomorrow. The other grad student in my lab is away, so it's been pretty quiet in lab. I didn't do any actual experiments this week, because part of the lab was shut down for renovations, but I'll have more to do next week. It was my turn to present a paper in the class I'm taking and it was a really boring one, unfortunately. The presentation was fine, even though I apparently misunderstood one of the figures (or the professor did; I'm not convinced I was completely wrong).

(f) even more detail?

(Assume the longer ones are broken up somehow, so they're not just monologues)

My mum called me last night and I was quite pleased with myself that I managed (b), instead of (a), since usually my mind goes blank and I just end up wondering what the heck I have been doing with my time. (c) is the most detail I ever manage; I had trouble even figuring out what to write beyond that.
I find it hard to believe anyone would be interested. My mum always asks what I've been doing, as if she is interested in more detail, and I'm sure she is, yet if I pause to think of something else to tell her, she'll continue where she left off with her (f)-level description of everything everyone she knows has been doing. Maybe if I made a list like this beforehand, I would have more to say to her, but I would still have trouble saying it, without any kind of positive feedback indicating she is actually interested.
My housemate was asking about my project the other day and for a while I was answering with my usual contentless generalisations (I can't admit how much I suck to my housemates, either, especially since this one is graduating soon), but he kept asking specific questions, so I ended up saying more than I meant to about how I'm frustrated at my project being so ill-defined and my advisor changing his mind all the time (and then I regretted it, because he got all concerned that I'm never going to graduate so I felt even more pathetic). In talking to him, I realised how little I ever tell anyone about anything. You blog-readers get far more detail about my life than anyone else, probably, but I don't even blog all that much. I never talk about personal stuff, but I hardly talk about anything else that's going on with me, either.
My brother used to get sick of me not saying anything and then get even more annoyed when I couldn't think of anything interesting to say on demand. I never think I have anything interesting to say, though. I'm happier just listening to other people talk, usually, except that then I feel awkward when people notice how silent I am. How do you figure out what would be interesting for other people, or how much is appropriate to say without seeming weirdly quiet, or taking over the conversation?

sticker band

I think these guys would sound pretty good. They have a nice mix of instruments. :)

I guess I should go do something productive now...

the Everest approach to food is not a good idea

I made myself sick tonight by eating far too much. I thought I was doing better with food issues, but apparently not. Maybe it's an improvement that I wasn't being self-destructive; I was just eating things because they were there. I ate leftover pie at home before going out to dinner. Then I ate too much dinner, because not clearing my plate would be wasteful. Then a housemate bought some Indian desserts, so I ate some of those. Then there was a reception with yummy food, so I ate more.
I think my eating habits were set in childhood when I was allergic to dairy products and we rarely got anything sweet to eat. I used to make my Easter eggs last 4-6 months, because that was the only time we ever got lollies. If I did get the opportunity to eat yummy, forbidden food at other times I'd make the most of it and eat far too much, but it happened rarely enough that it wasn't really a problem. Now, though, sugar is always available but it's still hard to resist the urge to stock up every single time.
How do I convince myself that sugar is not a scarcity and I don't have to eat it if I'm not hungry? I thought the no sugar thing was helping with learning to pass up opportunities to eat sweet stuff, but it does seem to have had fairly disastrous consequences...

instruments

Instruments that will make me like your band (unless you really suck):

• piano (keyboards are good, too, but closer to neutral)
• glockenspiel
• cello
• trumpet
• handclaps

Instruments that will make me hate your band a little (unless you're really good):

• bongos
• harmonica
• spoken word

I wish emusic had a "search by instrument" option. I still need recommendations, please!

RBOC

• I got a birthday package this week.
• At first I thought I was going to have to be good and wait for ages to open it.
• Then I realised my birthday is only about 2 weeks away.
• I kind of feel like I should do something for my birthday, since I'm being more sociable for a change this year.
• Any ideas for what I could do?
• My advisor told me today that the quietest member of my committee thinks I'm smart.
• I guess I'm fooling more than just him...
• He also told me a bunch of less positive things about the most negative member of my committee.
• I appreciate that he was trying to make me feel better about her not liking parts of my project, but it was a little weird.
• I got to hear some more gossip about the imploding lab downstairs, which was both fun and frightening.
• This letter to the editor in Nature made me smile: "I admire the professionalism that refrains from a description of 'adorable, stumpy little mouse tails', but what is wrong with 'shorter tails'?" I would actually like to read about adorable, stumpy little mouse tails, though. Why do fly people get all the fun descriptions?
• I posted this week's homework photos on my photo blog, if anyone would like to help again (thanks for your help last week!).
• The new star plan was working well, but today my desire to avoid working is stronger than my desire to read blogs, so I still haven't done more than half an hour of work...
• I guess I should stop writing bullets and get to work.

purpose

Another thing The Pathfinder suggested for being happy and productive was to have some overarching purpose to life. The example in the book was about a garbage collector who decided his purpose would be to bring a little sunshine into the life of everyone he met. I don't think I could stretch that far to find a purpose to motivate me, but in theory, I'm far more interested in my work than I would be in collecting rubbish.
I haven't felt like I've had much purpose in lab in the last couple of years. I guess if I had to pick one, it would have been to do the minimum work required to avoid getting kicked out. I have achieved that, at least. Recently, a seminar speaker I went to lunch with asked all the students/post-docs there what our 10 year plans were. I got as far as "graduate". I'm still not sure about the rest of the 10 years, but even being able to graduate would take more purpose than I've had so far.
I had a meeting with my thesis committee last week. It was just meant to be a progress check and it was far less stressful than I was expecting (although I hadn't realised they'd send me out of the room to give my advisor a chance to report on me without me hearing - that was anxiety-provoking). It was the first time anyone had mentioned any kind of graduation timeline, though. The committee was concerned that I was planning too much to fit into my remaining time (since I effectively have to start my project now). Apparently, I should be aiming to be done in a year and a half, although they'd accept two years, which is probably more likely. I've been drifting along as if I were happy to be here indefinitely, but hearing that made me realise that I've been here close to 4 years already and graduation should at least be visible on the horizon.
The day after that meeting, I had to present at journal club and that turned into a discussion of possible projects I might do, as if I hadn't already proposed several. My advisor has a tendency to come up with exciting, new plans every couple of weeks, and since I've been optimising the assay that would be the basis for any of the plans, I haven't worried too much about switching my focus to follow my advisor's enthusiasm (they are all interesting ideas). The post-doc, who told me last time I presented at a similar meeting that the new plan du jour was unnecessarily complex and ambitious, came up to me afterwards and told me I need to pick something and not let my advisor change my mind again, if I ever wanted to graduate.
This evening, as I went back to lab on my way home to pick up my forgotten power cord, I ran into my advisor and got stuck in another 2 hour meeting discussing the potential options. I found myself getting frustrated as he brought up projects I thought had been rejected long ago, as well as new ones he'd only just thought of. I was also worried that the project he seemed most interested in is one that has diverged from the original plan enough that I don't really want to do it (even though it is probably the most theoretically exciting, I'm so not interested). I didn't say anything, of course, but I'm working on my own list of options in an attempt to develop a strong enough opinion that I can pick a project and refuse to change.
Is having a defined project that I'm interested in enough to provide a sense of purpose? It would be nice to think I'll get to that point, since I'm not sure I can sustain a career by counting the minutes spent working until I'm allowed to read blogs.

The Plan: month three (now with metagoals!)

The Pathfinder, which I read recently, talked about setting metagoals first as a way to stay motivated. It's easier to ignore small goals if you forget why you actually set the goal in the first place, or if the small goal isn't actually helping you reach the metagoal. That seems to make sense, so I've tried to figure out what my metagoals are for each category this month. Maybe that will help me focus on what's actually important.

1. Health

The gym is still going fine. I signed up for an Extreme Boot Camp class this month, too. I've only been to one class so far and I spent the next few days hobbling around like a geriatric invalid... It actually didn't seem that bad at the time, but apparently I was using muscles I'd never really used before.

Eating real meals has gone downhill post-No-sugar-thing, unfortunately, so I think I will have to work on that. That period also coincided with my thesis committee meeting, though, so I'm hoping at least part of my crappy eating was due to that. I'm still not doing well at resisting free food; I ate nothing but that on Friday.

I'm still a bit unsure about whether the no-sugar thing was a good idea. I felt good at the time and I was eating better, even if I felt like I was still eating plenty of savoury junk food. The problem is that I seem to have gotten worse at eating in moderation compared to before I cut out sugar entirely. I said I was thinking of making it more permanent, but I think I would need a closer end point to avoid being discouraged by the idea of forever. I also thought about making it no sugar except for special occasions, but what would count as a special occasion? I kind of feel like I should work on just eating normally, though, without requiring any strict rules. I'll see how that goes, now that my committee meeting is over. If I continue the way I have been, though, I'll be back on (or is it off?) the no-sugar wagon.

I did start getting up early again this week, and it made me feel good to have done my first half hour of work before I would previously have even left home. I'm going to try doing that a bit more often, I think. Assuming I can get to sleep at a reasonable hour.

My metagoal for health would be to be able to do anything I want, without worrying about whether I'm too unfit or something, and also to prevent any health problems in the long term. I was kind of bored yesterday and took that real age test. I think I'd taken it before when I was depressed and came out to be older than my chronological age, but this time I was a couple of years younger. The test's most relevant recommendations were to eat more vegetables, take a multivitamin and do some strength training, not just aerobic. I can do the vegetable and vitamin things fairly easily, but I'm not sure about the strength training. I'm kind of scared of the weights room at the gym, because I don't know how to use any of the equipment or what I should be doing or anything. I was thinking at one point of signing up for a session with a personal trainer so they could tell me what to do. Should I do that? Or should I be able to figure it out for myself somehow?

2. Professional

After my committee meeting this week, I'm feeling like my metagoal here should just be "to graduate". Ideally, I would like to answer some interesting question (or at least make a significant contribution towards answering one), but should I save that goal for once I have the PhD?

I was hoping my star-goal this month, of doing 2 hours of work every day would have made me more productive, but sadly that hasn't been the case. I've done more work this month than last, but still less than in January, when I was newly motivated by The Plan. It's been far more of a struggle, too. I've spent far too many late evenings attempting to stay awake and/or motivated long enough to do the work I'd put off all day. I can do the half hour before I check email fairly easily, because it's shorter and I get a real reward at the end. Once I've done that, though, I kind of feel like it's okay to spend the next 3 hours reading blogs because I've got plenty of time to fit 2 hours of work in later. I thought of making it that half an hour of work only earns me half an hour of email/blog reading, and repeating that throughout the day. Anyone have any other suggestions?
I'm feeling really quite pathetic that I can't even do 2 measly hours of work.

• stage 1: finish optimising the assay conditions, repeat the big set of experiments, analyse data

I'm still on the same "second last" set of optimisation experiments from last month... I suck.

• stage 2: make/find the new reagents I need, use them

I still haven't cleaned up the list from last month...

• stage 3: in vivo stuff

A little progress was made on this (mostly not by me), but my committee doesn't like this bit, so I might not even end up doing it.

• New big project: figure out what I'm going to measure, and how

All that reading I did last month was probably for nothing, since this is probably far too big a project to start now, unless I want to be in grad school forever. Side projects may also not be happening. I need to figure out what I'm doing in general.

I have also done no reading and not written in my lab book. I didn't realise how pathetic this month was until now... I really need to do something about this. I have another post to write about it, too, so I'll save my discussion for there.

I was fairly uninspired and pessimistic about my chances for becoming, or at least feeling, more productive, but the Official Star Arbitrator just helped me come up with a plan. The plan is:

• half an hour of work
• check email
• an hour of work
• read my very favourite blogs
• an hour of work
• read other blogs

It would be nice if I did some more work after that (I'm hoping getting that much work done earlier will make it more likely), but that will do. Thanks, Official Star Arbitrator! :)

3. Social

The other thing the Real Age test told me to work on was having more close friends. I guess that's the metagoal for this category, but I'm not entirely sure how to do that. I'm closer to having the kind of friends I can do fun things with, at least.

I still haven't emailed the procrastination group leader back. I can't see myself emailing her again, now, even if you were right about her being used to people procrastinating like that.

I'm not taking any happy pills and feeling fine about that. I had a kind of awkward interaction with the therapist where she asked if I had an appointment to see the psychiatrist again and when I said no, she thought that was odd and looked up his notes in the computer to see if he had said I should come back. Luckily, he hadn't, but I should probably tell her I stopped taking the drugs. I feel no different to when I was taking them, so I think I'm okay.

Although, I emailed the psychiatrist before the last appointment to say I was feeling much happier and did I really need to increase the dose and he said that my lack of motivation could be a sign of undermedication, so I should take more. I might be less motivated than I was in January, so should I try taking the medication again? I wish I had a control me, so I could tell if it was really making a difference.

I got all caught up on email last month, but I haven't replied since then...

I did have a bunch of fun social things this month, though, which was good. Dinner with my classmates was fun. They are interesting and funny people so I enjoyed mostly listening to them talk, but then I felt bad when they noticed I was so quiet and worried that they were being too overbearing. I just have nothing to say, though...

4. Family

I need to email my brothers and my Dad. One of my brothers just started a blog because he's travelling, so I'm feeling bad for not even commenting on it.

I still don't know what my goals here are. Should I be aiming for being something like close friends with my family or something different?

5. Being Selfish

I'm not sure whether the metagoal here is to think about people other than myself for a bit, or to make myself feel like a better person by doing something nice...

I tried, and failed, to donate platelets, so I don't think that counts. I should donate whole blood sometime. I should also look into the tutoring thing properly.

6. Other

I guess the metagoal here is to do something more worthwhile (but still fun) than aimless websurfing with my non-work time. Maybe I should be working on more sociable pursuits, instead of more things to do alone, though. I was thinking of taking a hiking class, as a more sociable activity than photography or practising piano, but it conflicts with a lab-related class, unfortunately. I should start going to the knitting group meetings again, I think.

I haven't really done much of anything hobby related. I'm taking this photography class, but I should put more effort into the photos this week (also the photos for project 365; mine have been lame, lately).

I didn't end up keeping my room tidy for the whole month, but it has been tidy a lot more often, which is nice.

help me with my homework, please!

I'm taking a photography class and the first assignment was to take photos of the front door. I'm kind of scared of taking photos along for everyone else to critique, especially since the teacher is kind of abrupt and intimidating. I also just took these photos in a hurry this morning, so I didn't put as much thought into it as I would've liked (I have my thesis committee meeting tomorrow, so this class is not my top priority right now).
So, which 3 photos should I print? These are my favourites, but there are some more variations on the same pictures here. If you have suggestions on what I should do differently, I'd be glad to hear them, too.

(I know this is a little blurry; I might try to retake it)

(I kind of like the underexposed version)

books #7-22 (2007)

I haven't been doing too well at keeping up with the book posts this year. I also haven't been reading as much as last year, though. This is a pretty pathetic post, since I didn't write many of the entries close to when I read the books. You'll have to click the links to find any actual description, too. I'm just sick of having this draft sitting around, so I'm posting it. I'll try to do a better job on the next one.

7. Hell by Kathryn Davis ****. I wish I'd written a description of this when I first started this post, months ago. It was an intriguing and creepy book.

8. The Blue Castle by L.M. Montgomery ***. A commenter recommended this one to Katie and since I could identify with the post that incited the suggestion (and because I love the Anne of Green Gables books, though not some others of LMM), I requested it from the library. It was delightful. Katie, you should definitely read it, if you haven't already. It didn't really make me believe that I would get the fairy tale ending that Valancy got, but it was a sweet and happy book.

9. On Beauty by Zadie Smith ***1/2. I liked this a lot more than I liked White Teeth, but the ending was one of those ones where I turned the page and was surprised to see just blank paper.
10. Magic or Madness by Justine Larbalestier ***. I read a very favourable review of this trilogy somewhere, but I didn't like it that much. The story is split between Sydney and New York City, which could have been interesting, but I found the gratuitous use of slang to distinguish the American and Australian characters annoying, especially because the characters were all so dumb. One of the Australians had the excuse of living in small towns her whole life and never getting to know anyone but her mother, but are there really Americans who wouldn't understand "my grandmother and I don't get on", for example? Maybe if I hadn't been so irritated I would have liked the book better... I didn't dislike it enough to not read the rest of the trilogy, though, especially since it's YA and therefore easy to read quickly.

11. The Children's Hospital by Chris Adrian ****. The book follows the people who are in a children's hospital through the storm that turns it into an ark, as they try to figure out what's going on, whether they'll ever get to land again and how all the uncertainty affects the way they live. SuperGradStudent read this book and didn't like how it kind of changed halfway through, but I think I did, because it was a result of circumstances changing in the hospital. It reminded me a little of Children of Men, which I thought was pretty crap; this was more like how I wanted the movie to be.

12. The Statue Within by François Jacob **1/2. My advisor gave me this book for Winter Holiday of Your Choice, so I felt obliged to read it. When he (finally) got around to describing his actual scientific work, the book was pretty interesting (he was getting started around the time they were just figuring out that DNA transmitted genetic information). Unfortunately, the majority of the book was about his childhood and experiences in WWII and I found his reminiscing style fairly pretentious and annoying. Even in the later part of the book, he'd occasionally lapse into the same style when talking about his family.

13. The Polysyllabic Spree by Nick Hornby ****1/2. This was a great book to read after the never-ending Statue Within. It was light and funny and I got a bunch of book recommendations.

14. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon ***1/2. Nick Hornby wrote about this book, although that isn't why I read it. His criticism did stick with me, though, which is probably unfortunate, since it was such a small point. Now this sounds unfairly negative. I liked it, I think I'm just sick of writing descriptions of books I read ages ago.

15. This Shape We're In by Jonathan Lethem ***1/2. Jeremy offered this book as a counterexample when I became suspicious that his dislike of the endings of The Boy Detective Fails and Special Topics in Calamity Physics were indicative of a general trend. It does have a very good ending, but I didn't love the whole as much as some books with imperfect endings.

16. Magic Lessons by Justine Larbalestier. This was the second book in the trilogy and was fairly similar to the first, but I have to finish the trilogy now.

17. A Boy of Good Breeding by Miriam Toews ***. I got this book because of how much I loved a single sentence from the previous book I read by the same author ("I was reminded that I was, at that very moment, not bleeding from my face. And those are powerful words of hope, really."). Unfortunately, I'd forgotten that I didn't love the rest of the book as much as that sentence and this one was similar. It was nice enough, but not great.

18. The Pathfinder: How to Choose or Change Your Career for a Lifetime of Satisfaction and Success by Nick Lore ***. I added this to my request list when I was wondering if I really belong in grad school. I think I'll have more to say about it later. I thought it had some good things to say about goal-setting in general, even if you're not interested in changing careers.

18. The Noonday Demon: An Atlas of Depression by Andrew Solomon. I've only read a chapter of this. Reading it reminded me of how terrible I felt last year, so I'm not sure I want to read more...

19. Shyness and Society: The Illusion of Competence by Susie Scott. This was pretty interesting. The principal difference between shy and unshy people, as she sees it, is that unshy people trust others to help them keep face, if they make a mistake, whereas shy people think other people will just point and laugh.

20. David Copperfield by Charles Dickens ***1/2. Nick Hornby loved this, and I'm still having trouble browsing for books at the library, so I borrowed this. I feel kind of uncultured only giving it 3.5 stars, but meh. My George Eliot-loving housemate was horrified that I wouldn't class this as one of my favourite books, since "it's so funny". Amusing and entertaining, perhaps, but I wouldn't call it a funny book. The young female characters irritated me, too; they were all so devoted to their fathers (the fact that one married her father-figure was creepy).

21. The New York Trilogy by Paul Auster ***1/2. Perhaps the Boy Themes were the reason I didn't love it entirely, but I did enjoy it. It was going to be 4 stars after the first book in the trilogy, but by the time I got to the end, I had the feeling that I didn't quite get it, which reduced my enjoyment a little. Jeremy's more enthusiastic post about it, kind of added to that impression. Maybe I just don't like books to twiddle with my brain.

22. The Feast of Love by Charles Baxter ***1/2. This was probably more like book #15, but I forgot about it until now, which is also why it's getting 3.5 stars. I enjoyed it, but clearly not enough to remember anything specific about it. Actually, in finding the link, I read some review snippets and now I'm tempted to give it 4 stars. It was good.

There are too many 3.5 star books in this list (although that might be more due to my boredom with rating books, than the books themselves). I need to find a book I really love sometime soon...
(wolfa, Benighted is up next; I hope you haven't raised my expectations unreasonably :) )

desktop

My taskbar is always crowded and I usually have several rows of tabs open in firefox, but I like my desktop uncluttered. I mainly only use firefox, My Documents and iTunes, anyway, which are all accessible from the quick launch thingy. I really need to figure out how to get emusic to download to somewhere other than the desktop, too.

Speaking of emusic, I ended up with 120 downloads this month and I have no idea what to do with them. Any recommendations for music I should get?

no sugar: the aftermath

Since eating that first azuki cream puff on Friday, I have eaten (not including breakfasts):

• dutch marzipan fruit loaf for dinner
• a whole bunch of chocolate
• a very sweet granola bar
• pizza (non-sugary, but it was topped with potato, so very carbohydrate-heavy)
• sweet and sour tofu dumplings*
• cute russian chocolates
• another azuki bean cream puff
• pineapple salsa and tortilla chips
• Cadbury creme egg chocolate
• a heap more plain Cadbury chocolate

Hi, my name's Lucy and I'm a sugar addict. Give me one sugary thing and apparently, I can't stop. Maybe this has been exacerbated by the fact that I'm in deadline-induced, self-destructive procrastination mode, but I'm considering making the no-sugar thing more permanent.

* From an awesome vegan restaurant "where the animals all live to (something I've forgotten)". It had PETA stickers on the door and animal posters all over the walls (although they weren't ones that were likely to be eaten).