is this not the most beautiful graph you've ever seen in your life?

It's practically symmetrical!

going home

I keep forgetting how soon it is that I'm going home. I leave next Friday. I wasn't thinking I had much to organise, anyway, but now I need some advice.

The main reason I'm going home now is for my little brother's 21st. 21st birthdays are stilll a big deal, leftover from the days when the voting,drinking etc age was 21, rather than 18. I've no idea what to get my brother, though. Usually he's pretty easy to shop for, but that's only if I get him something kind of silly and fun. I would rather get him something more significant than a t-shirt or gadget, though. Any ideas? (I know, kind of hard without knowing anything about him, but suggestions would be appreciated, anyway)

The other thing I need help with is finding books to read during my 29 hour trip home. I haven't been doing very well at picking my own books lately, and an aeroplane is not the place to try something I'm not enthusiastic about. Usually I save a book I've been looking forward to reading, but I can't think of anything like that now.

If you want a postcard from somewhere on my travels, email me your address. Maybe I should offer a prize for the best suggestions, too. :)

for the LOLcats fans

I'm in ur... Scroll down for an even better icon.

(via Making Light)

alternative thoughts 6

I feel like I didn't really see or talk to many people this weekend, so I don't have so many anxious thoughts to report.

Saturday:
Should I go out and talk to housemates? I don't really want to. It's easier just to stay in my room.
Alternative: If I want to talk to them, they'd probably be happy to chat, but they're probably not thinking anything bad about me if I don't.

I did take my laptop into a common room in the evening, though. Another housemate was working on her laptop. She has a habit of talking to herself, especially when something goes wrong with what she's trying to do. I never know if she's really just talking to herself and would be annoyed at being distracted by comments or questions, or if she wants people to ask what happened. I asked how her day was, but am I meant to keep talking? Can I go back to reading blogs or whatever I was doing or would that be rude?
Alternative: She was working too, so I probably don't have to talk. And she would probably say something directly if she wanted to talk about whatever she was talking to herself about, or keep making cryptic comments until I asked. Actually, maybe I can even blame her for less-than-stellar social skills!

I'd completely forgotten that I'd asked to be included on an outing with this housemate in the evening and ended up going into lab so late that I couldn't make it. She's going to think I'm an idiot for forgetting, and for being in lab on a Saturday night, again. I hope the other people she was going with are still going and I haven't messed up her plans.
Alternative: She had said she'd let me know the plan, but only called me half an hour before they were leaving, so maybe it wasn't entirely unreasonable that I wasn't prepared to go. I don't think I would've forgotten if we'd made specific plans. And the other people did go, so I didn't mess anything up.

Sunday:
I was knitting while waiting for the bus and two women next to me were talking, then one asked what I was making. I wasn't sure if she was talking to me, but who else would she be talking to? I answered her and she commented on it, then her friend asked a question, not to me, and they went back to talking between themselves. I thought the friend was asking me something, at first, so I was looking at her, trying to figure out what she meant, until I realised she wasn't talking to me. She probably thought I was weird and trying to eavesdrop or insinuate myself into the conversation or something.
Alternative: They started talking to me, first, so they probably don't have very strong feelings about conversational privacy. She probably didn't even notice me thinking she was talking to me, anyway.


Someone asked me where a landmark was; it was just a block ahead of where we were, which I said, but I forgot to explain the different entrances depending on where she wanted to end up. I was walking in the same direction for a bit, wondering if I should say something. She had headphones on, though, so I didn't want to bother her. Plus, she could probably figure it out for herself, so I'd just be disturbing her, or she'd think I was a weird, over-talkative stranger.
Alternative: She probably would've appreciated the information, or at least been polite about it. But she was probably fine anyway, so I shouldn't worry.


I actually did almost the exact same thing as last night, with forgetting that I'd said I'd go out for dinner with a housemate who didn't get back to me with plans until the last minute, when I was stuck in lab again and couldn't go. I suck. I need to keep track of things better. I always complain about not doing fun things with friends and then I mess up opportunities like this.
Alternative: I keep track of things usually, especially when there are actual plans. I can work on making sure I don't miss out on fun things in future.


Monday:
The guy in my lab who's even quieter than me had a bunch of questions for me about an experiment he's doing that I do a lot. He seemed apologetic about asking me and then very grateful for me showing him where everything was. I must be making him feel bad for asking. Do I sound like I'm annoyed? Was I too brusque in answering his questions? I hope he doesn't feel bad for bothering me.
Alternative: Maybe he's having the same anxious thoughts about bothering me that I have when I need to ask people questions.

Someone had to help me with a piece of equipment that I hadn't used before and I underestimated how long it would take me to get things set up, so we didn't start on time and then she had to stay late. I should be more organised and not waste people's time. She's going to hate me and never want to help me again.
She also made a couple of mistakes with the machine and I thought I saw what the problem was, but she's supposed to be the expert, so I didn't say anything. I don't want her to feel bad, especially after I made her late and she's probably flustered. But would it be better to say something so she doesn't waste more time looking at the wrong thing? I don't want her to think I don't think she knows what she's doing.
Alternative: She probably doesn't hate me. She did offer to help again, if I need it. I can be better prepared in future.
I'm not sure about the second part. Is it better to say something or not?



Tuesday:
I needed the robot someone else was using, so I had to ask when she'd be done. She probably thinks I'm being demanding and expecting her to hurry up. I should've planned ahead and figured out when it would be free somehow.
Alternative: At least I asked, instead of being too scared to bother her and just stalking the robot. I did explain that I wasn't in a hurry, so she probably didn't feel rushed by me asking. There isn't a calendar for the robot, anyway, so I would've had to ask, even if I'd planned ahead.



I was trying to do the alternative thoughts in my head for a couple of days, but I don't think that was such a good idea. I did notice several interactions where I wasn't so worried about what people thought and was able to just chat, which was nice. I should really read the book again and figure out what the next step is, too.

Friday:

Someone was helping me analyse data and asked me to do something with the software that I didn't know it could do - something I'd been wishing it could do, since I thought I had to do some long, painful process to work around. I'm such an idiot. I've been using the program for years and I didn't know it could do that. She must think I'm an idiot.

Alternative: I didn't think the person helping me on Monday was an idiot for not knowing everything the machine did, so she probably doesn't think that about me. And now I know how to do it, so that will make things a lot easier.



I was just tempted to email the people in my program who I'd like to be friends with, who I had dinner with a while ago, and then haven't gotten around to contacting again. I didn't finish the email, though, because, surely if they were interested in being friends with me, they would've contacted me? I was pretty quiet last time and just listened to them talk mostly, too, so they'll probably think it's weird that I want to do that again.

Alternative: They seemed to enjoy it when we had dinner before, so they'd probably be happy to get together. They can just talk to each other, anyway. And I did have the occasional thing to say.



Saturday:
I went to an outdoor concert. I knew the person who invited me and a couple of the other people she invited, but not super well. I don't have anything to say. They all know each other much better; they don't want me trying to butt into their conversations. I should be friendlier, though, or they'll think I don't like them.
Alternative: I had some things to say; I don't have to talk constantly. Just because they know each other doesn't mean they dont' want to talk to anyone else. I wasn't rude, so they probably don't think I don't like them, unless they have their own too-negative thoughts.

My house had a bbq. I was going to invite people, since I'm not so miserably depressed anymore, but I kept putting it off, because I didn't know who to invite (see yesterday's thoughts about inviting the people in my program to do something). I was thinking of avoiding it entirely so I didn't reply to the email about making plans. I'm so lazy, I'm not going to contribute anything and everyone will think I'm rude and antisocial. I could just buy some stuff when I go grocery shopping, but I'll probably get the wrong thing and everyone will think I'm stupid or something.
Alternative: I did buy some food and drinks and it was fine, so I shouldn't worry about it.

At the bbq, I didn't really know anybody much. I could just follow the couple of people I know around, but I have nothing to say to them so they'll just think I'm weird and get sick of me. I could try talking to someone new, but they're all talking to other people and I have nothing to say. I want to go hide inside, but then they'll think I'm weird and antisocial.
Alternative: Other people didn't know anyone either, so they might be glad to have someone to stay with, even if I don't have much to say. The people I dont' know could be feeling like that, too. And I could go inside, other people did that and nobody thought they were weird.
It was fine, anyway. I did talk to some new people and had fun, even if I did end up hiding at the end by cleaning up.

I talked again

I saw the therapist again today. I was going to tell her about going to the anxiety group interview last week, but she was asking questions, so I just answered them, instead. I actually told her about my blog, though. She did ask if I could share something I'd written here, so she had a better idea of what I write about, but I'm not sure about that. She could google it and find the whole thing! Although, I don't think she would think of doing that, really.
She asked what the difference was between meeting someone who'd read my blog and letting someone I already know read it. I couldn't really explain. My first thought was that people I know would realise I was weird and freakish if they read what I write here, but then her argument was that the people who read this first must see something appealling or interesting, rather than just freakish, so why wouldn't the RL people? I couldn't come up with anything that would defeat her logic, but I still don't really understand why y'all don't just think I'm a weird loser. I know some of you can identify with some of my freakishness, although you're not yourselves freaks, and there is always the trainwreck explanation*...
The people I know in real life seem like people who would skim an entry of my blog and think "why would anyone post the pathetic details of their life online like that?" before closing the tab. Do I just know the wrong people? Maybe I'm just not giving them a chance to get to know me, and vice versa, but that does seem far too scary to do without some indication that they wouldn't just think I'm weird. I don't know how to gradually and appropriately open up. It's a lot easier here where I can just post whatever I like and I only hear from the people who have a positive reaction. I haven't had anyone feel compelled to tell me I'm a freak before navigating away, so I can pretend they don't exist. It is a nice screening mechanism.
I guess I'm also afraid of changing people's images of me. I feel uncomfortable when someone is surprised by learning something new about me, as if I've done something wrong. Having said that, I can see it's a ridiculous way to think. I make it worse by being so secretive, too, so that anything I might reveal has obviously been hidden for no good reason for a long time. The secretiveness makes me feel even more like people will think I'm weird, on top of whatever I might say.
The therapist asked if making blog friends made it easier to understand how to make friends in general, but I don't think it has. I just feel lucky that all these really cool people seem willing to read/comment/email/hang out. I can see how I should take some responsibility for that, but I don't know for what, or how to replicate it in real life. Which is a pity, because today it was gorgeous and sunny and I wanted someone to get ice cream with. Sadly, blogfriends are not always as readily available for such things as I would like.
Of course, it would probably help if I felt and/or acted on the urge to ask the people I do know to do things with me more often. I just assume they're not interested, or I procrastinate long enough that the opportunity is gone. I was just tempted to email the people in my program who I'd like to be friends with, who I had dinner with a while ago, and then haven't gotten around to contacting again. I didn't finish the email, though, because, surely if they were interested in being friends with me, they would've contacted me? I was pretty quiet last time and just listened to them talk mostly, too, so they'll probably think it's weird that I want to do that again**.
One thing I really need to work on is having things to say. Probably my most common anxious thought is that I can't talk to because I have nothing to say. Obviously, I have enough to say to write blog posts, but this is all very self-centred. Again, it's also easier to just say what I want and not worry about whether any specific person will be interested. One reason I never call anyone is that I can't believe anything I have to say would be interesting enough to interrupt them and demand their attention like that.
I'm pretty sure I've written large chunks of this post before, so I'll stop rambling, even if you are free to quit reading at any time.


* Quick poll: is my blog more or less entertaining now that I'm not so miserable and depressed all the time?

** I guess this should go in today's "alternative thoughts" log...

is it just me, or is this extremely weird?

Apparently my mother's therapist is going to be visiting this city soon and asked my mum if I would meet up with her while she's here. At least, I think it was the therapist's idea. My mum is all excited about it, though. Can I say no, without being rude? Why on earth would she want to meet me?

worrying

At the diagnostic interview on Thursday, there were a bunch of questions about excessive worrying. I answered no to almost all of them (denial is my friend!) and felt guilty for not worrying sufficiently about the many ways the world is going to hell in a handbasket, but now I'm wondering if I should have. I'd forgotten the horrible keyed up, unable to calm down or go to sleep feeling that comes of worrying obsessively about something that I can't see a solution to. I guess if it happens infrequently enough that I could forget about it, it's not one of my main problems. And usually I can eventually convince myself that there is a way to cope, despite the lack of an optimal solution. Still, it sucks.

alternative thoughts 5

Wednesday:
SuperGradStudent was defrosting a freezer that had lots of my old stuff in it. I should've noticed that needed doing and done it myself, or I should've at least helped, or at least moved/sorted my own stuff. I was supposed to sort it out a while ago. I'm so lazy and unhelpful. SuperGradStudent must hate me.
Alternative: I'm having trouble finding an alternative to this one... I guess calling myself names doesn't help, anyway. I can try to notice things that need doing better in future. SuperGradStudent probably doesn't hate me, although he would probably appreciate help.

I went to the knitting group I hadn't been to in a long time, but when I got there I couldn't see anyone. Should I sit by myself and see if anyone else shows up? Will they think I'm a loser for sitting by myself? Am I supposed to know that it was cancelled or moved? They'll think I'm an idiot for not knowing.
Alternative: It's okay to sit by myself. If they show up, then it wasn't cancelled or moved and I can join in; they probably wouldn't think anything about me being by myself. And if it was cancelled or moved, they won't show up and know that I didn't know so they can't think anything bad for that, and they probably wouldn't anyway.

There was leftover free food from a seminar, so I got some dinner. I'm not part of whatever the food was for; I shouldn't be eating it. People will think I'm weird for eating it. What if someone notices and tells me off.
Alternative: I'm a grad student; people expect us to take advantage of free food. Plus everyone else who walked past was taking some. Nobody is going to notice or care.

Thursday:
I went to a group meeting for a group that I hadn't been to before. They're going to wonder why I'm here. Should I have emailed to check that it was okay for me to come? Am I intruding? There aren't enough chairs; I'm taking up someone who really belongs here's chair. I shouldn't have come. I had to introduce myself and say what I'm working on. My project sounds lame and I didn't explain it properly and they're going to think I'm an idiot. And they probably couldn't even hear me because I can't talk loud enough.
Alternative: I went because they sent an email to my advisor announcing the meeting, so they must want new people to come. Someone found extra chairs; I wasn't keeping anyone else out. My project isn't lame. I might not have explained it the best possible way, but it was okay. And they would've asked me to repeat it if they couldn't hear.

I sat by myself in the seminar because nobody else from my lab was there. I sat close to the front because I was trying not to be avoidant and hide at the back. And also there was a whole row free so I could avoid thinking about whether I should sit right next to someone and invade their space, or leave a seat empty and rudely imply I didn't want to sit near them and also make it harder for other people to find seats. The professor from the class I was taking sat next to me. Am I supposed to talk to her? I said hi and then just concentrated on eating my cookie. I'm so pathetic and rude.
Alternative: She probably didn't want to talk either and the seminar started soon enough, anyway. I did say hi, at least. Choosing a seat is not such a big deal. Other people probably don't even notice where I sit.

On the bus to the anxiety interview, some people asked if they were on the right bus. Then later they asked more questions about where they could get off. I answered their questions but I don't think I explained very clearly. I probably confused them and they must think I'm an idiot. I was getting off at the same stop. Should I have showed them where to go? Or been friendlier, since they were obviously tourists?
Alternative: They understood what I meant in the end, so I can't have confused them. They were probably just glad I could answer their questions. I think they would've been okay once we got off. Maybe it would've been nice if I'd showed them, or been friendlier, but I don't have to talk to strangers.

At the anxiety building, someone got on the lift with me and pressed the button for the floor I was going to as well as her own, without me saying anything. She obviously realises I'm an anxious freak. She must think I'm a loser.
Alternative: She was just being nice. Probably the clinic is the only place people who don't work there go, so I didn't necessarily look like an anxious freak for her to know what floor I needed. If she works in this building, she probably isn't judgemental about people who go to the clinic, anyway.

During the interview. She must think I'm pathetic for being anxious about that. Or stupid, for not remembering dates and not being able to explain things properly. I keep not talking loud enough so she has to look to see if I'm nodding or shaking my head. She must think I'm a freak for even being here.
Alternative: The things I'm anxious about are listed in the interview book because lots of people are anxious about them. She's used to people who are anxious about all kinds of things. She wouldn't think I'm a freak for that. She's probably used to people not being able to talk loudly, too, and at least I was talking and answering her questions.

Friday:
The postdoc asked me what I thought about his new data analysis and while I was answering the workers next door started making a really loud noise so I had to talk really loudly to be heard. He's not going to be able to hear me and he'll think I'm annoying for not speaking loud enough. But if I speak louder the workers will probably stop and then I'll be shouting and people will notice me. I'm not confident enough about what I'm saying that I really want to say it louder. And I can't get out of saying anything at all, because then he'd think I'm weird for not being able to talk over the noise.
Alternative: Even if I wasn't saying anything worthwhile, it doesn't help to say it quietly. He knew the noise was hard to talk over, so he probably wasn't thinking anything bad.

I emailed someone to ask for a file I needed and when she sent it, I realised it was the same one she'd already sent me, I just didn't notice there were multiple worksheets. She must think I'm such an idiot.
Alternative: Everyone makes mistakes sometimes; it's not a big deal. I'm sure she didn't think anything terrible.

Seeing a new post on an RL friend's blog show up in google reader. I should have emailed her. I suck. I'm such a terrible friend. Why would she want to be friends with me, when she has all the far better friends the blog is really written for?
Alternative: It would be better if I'd emailed her. I can do that soon. She sent me the link to her blog and she was happy to see me when she visited here, so I shouldn't try to make her not want to be friends just because I don't understand why.

Someone asked if I wanted help feeding my cells. I'd forgotten when I was supposed to do that. I said no, because I didn't want to make someone wait around for me to figure out what I was doing, but I probably already messed up her plans or something. I should be more organised. Or I should just do everything myself and not bother people.
Alternative: She was probably happy to not have to help me. It would be better if I were more organised, but I don't need to do everything myself. It's okay to get help sometimes.

Saturday:
I just logged on to instant messenger and the person I wanted to talk to logged off before I could say hi. They must have seen me log on and not wanted to talk to me. They don't like me anymore. I shouldn't try to talk to anyone because I'd probably just be bothering them. Alternative: It was probably just a coincidence that they logged off right then. I shouldn't read too much into it. And it's not good to always wait for other people to talk to me or they might think I don't want to talk to them. They can tell me if they don't want to talk.

I didn't even cry

The anxiety screening thing today wasn't so bad. It only took 2.5 hours, not 4, as they'd said (maybe because I didn't talk that much, although I did think I was slow about answering the questions).
I was pretty anxious while I was waiting, and it didn't help when a boy who looked younger than me came out to talk to me (I know, ageist of me, but he did turn out to be an undergrad). Luckily, he was just going through the consent form. The form included sections about them taking blood for DNA testing (along with a helpful description of what DNA is), but they're not actually doing that now. Apparently, they're going to keep checking up on me for the next two years, regardless of whether I go through any treatment with them.
The psychologist doing the interview was a fellow C'landian, which was nice. It also helped that the questions were mainly yes/no or multiple choice. Actually, they were pretty similar to the ones on the forms I filled out last night, except with more detailed answers allowed. I guess the interview is meant to clarify some of the ones I was borderline on, but I did wish I could just fill it out in writing myself or refer her to the forms, rather than having to talk.
A lot of time was taken up discussing depression, rather than anxiety, and I felt like an idiot because I couldn't remember when that started or when it was worst or things like that. One set of questions asked about a two week period when I had various symptoms, but I probably had multiple two week periods so I wasn't sure if I was answering the questions properly. Actually, I felt more like an idiot for not remembering what medications I'd tried or when they were prescribed or by who. She was kind of surprised and/or alarmed that I'd only seen the psychiatrist a couple of times while taking the Celexa, and then I had to explain that I was avoiding him.
I got to skip multiple sections of her question book (those fear of snakes etc bits), which made me feel a bit better. I was wondering if that made me less in need of help, though, and if I was understating my anxiety somehow. I also ended up wondering if I wasn't so badly off, after all, since it wasn't as horrible an experience as I'd expected. I didn't even cry.
Now she has to discuss me at the centre's weekly meeting and then she's going to call me to discuss treatment options. I thought it was just a group thing, but they also do individual therapy. I'm not sure which I would prefer. Obviously, a group would be made up of multiple scary people, but in general I feel less pressure in groups. Although, I suppose they wouldn't let me hide...

I'm not afraid of everything

I just spent an hour and a half filling in questionnaires for the four hour long diagnostic interview tomorrow. I kept feeling like I was contradicting previous answers, and wanting to explain why the slightly different wording made a difference. Hopefully it won't matter. My favourite page was the one about how much fear I would have in various situations. There were 20 things, like snakes, spiders, water, blood etc and I was barely afraid of any of them. I was feeling all cocky until I turned the page over and the first item was "talking to people"...
The other questions that made me feel better were the ones about hoarding, some of the OCD ones and the ones asking whether thinking about a bad event made it more likely to occur.

alternative thoughts 4

I got the second HPV vaccine this morning. The nurse said "hi" and asked how I was; I answered her, but couldn't think of anything else to say. I should say something friendlier, but of course I have nothing to say. I should've at least asked how she was, but then she would think I was just copying her and didn't really care how she was. She probably thinks I'm rude and anti-social.
Alternative: Asking someone how they are, in return, is expected. I don't have to come up with something original to say. It would be better to be boring and polite, than silent and rude.

While waiting for the train, I stood near a guy with a gorgeous golden retriever. I desperately wanted to pat the dog, but instead just stood there, occasionally glaring jealously at the other people who stopped to pat it, and even moreso at the people the dog approached. When a train arrived, I was sad because I thought I'd missed my chance to pat the dog, but the only empty seat ended up being next to its owner. I spent the first half of the ride sending secret psychic messages to the dog to come closer. Eventually that worked and I got to pat it. Yay! It really was a beautiful dog. They got off at the same stop as me and I hung back trying not to follow them directly.
I can't pat the dog because it would disturb the owner. He's probably sick of people wanting to play with his dog and just wants to be left in peace. Plus, I should probably ask before patting and I don't want to talk because I might get stuck having to make conversation and I have nothing to say. Can he see me looking covetously at his dog? I should just leave them alone. Is he going to think I'm stalking his dog if I sit next to him? Do I have to talk to him now that the dog put his head in my lap? He really is going to think I'm stalking him if I follow him all the way off the train and out of the station.
Alternative: There were other people patting the dog, so probably he wouldn't have minded. I could've just asked if I could pat the dog and he could say no. He did end up saying something about the weather after I patted the dog and it was okay, so I probably don't need to be so scared of making conversation. Getting off at the same station does not equal stalking someone.

A labmate asked me if I'd had lunch, because she was going to eat. I had already eaten at journal club. I felt bad for being relieved that I didn't have to eat with her and try to make conversation, and guilty for not wanting to talk with her. She probably thinks I'm so rude for avoiding her. I am rude. And evil because part of the reason I find it hard to talk to her is because English is not her first language. I should be friendlier.
Alternative: I really should be friendlier and talk to her. There's hardly anybody in that lab now, because everyone's working at the other site, except her, so she's probably lonely. I wouldn't have to talk very much and she probably wouldn't be judging how boring I am and how little I have to say.

I got an email back from my aunt saying it was lovely to hear from me and of course I could visit whenever. It also said something about my brother being good about keeping in touch, though. See? I suck as a niece/grandchild. I should be in contact more often. I should be able to come up with things to say that would interest them. If I were normal, I'd be able to email them regularly and have a proper relationship with them.
Alternative: It would be better if I kept in contact better. I could try harder to think of things to say and email more.

At the last session of the class I've been taking, we all had to say what the most surprising thing we'd learnt was and what burning question we still had. I can never think of anything off the top of my head. I must have learnt nothing from the whole course. I don't belong in grad school, obviously, if I wasn't interested/dedicated enough to learn anything. I'm never going to be a real scientist if I can't remember anything. I also can't have conversations if I can't remember anything I might be able to talk about.
Alternative: If I had a chance to look at my notes, I'd remember things I learnt. I could take notes about things to talk about, too. I can remember things sometimes. It would probably be easier if I didn't beat myself up about not being able to recall things immediately. I really didn't put much effort into the class, so I can't really make up an alternative for not being interested/dedicated enough, though...

When I got home, I was going to cook dinner, but after I'd finished reading my book, there were housemates in the kitchen and I didn't feel like talking to them (specifically the newly-returned housemate) so I just stayed in my room and ate dried mango. I suck. I'm back to hiding in my room again. If I go out there, I'll have to either talk to the housemate, or have him ignore me because he thinks I'm rude and don't like him. And he's back to cooking all kinds of fancy things and I don't want him seeing me cook my lame meal and thinking I'm a terrible cook and don't eat properly.
Alternative: I wouldn't have to talk much, just say hi. Or I could ask about his trip, and he could do most of the talking. Even if I didn't say much, he'd probably be busy talking to his girlfriend and not pay much attention to me, or my cooking, anyway.

alternative thoughts 3

This is getting harder, not easier...

Monday:

The housemate who was temporarily replaced was back this morning. I said hi, but nothing much else. I suck. I should've asked about his trip, but he was with his girlfriend planning something so I didn't want to bother him. He must think I'm so rude.
Alternative: I guess not wanting to bother him isn't rude, or should I be assuming that talking to him wouldn't be bothering him? He was probably concentrating on the list he was making. I can ask about his trip later, anyway.

I had to set up a big experiment today with a bunch of other people helping me, because they run the facility I was using. One of those people was going to go through everything we had to do beforehand but got stuck in a meeting so I wasn't entirely sure what I was supposed to be doing, and it was all time sensitive and another person wanted to go through something else with me at the same time. I'm so disorganised and incompetent and slow. I should've known what I was doing and not waited for them to organise everything. I probably messed up the experiment and I'll have wasted all their time and reagents. I can never do an experiment without something going wrong.
Alternative: I was disorganised, but so were the other people and they were meant to be showing me how to use the equipment so it can't be all my fault. It could have been far worse, so I guess I'm not completely incompetent and it's better to be slow than rush and really ruin everything. It would've been better to plan ahead and ask in advance so I'm not feeling rushed and uncertain to begin with; I can do that next time. Most of the experiment probably worked and I can repeat it if I have to. I do get results from most experiments, even if they're not perfect, I guess.

I did call my grandmother for Mothers' Day, but she wasn't home, so now I have to email my aunt, who lives next door, instead (shh, no I can't call now) so she can pass my message on. I don't know what to say. I haven't done anything interesting to talk about. She wouldn't be interested in me rambling on about nothing. Have I really been doing nothing with my time? I'm so boring. I should've been in contact earlier. My aunt is also going to be annoyed at having to pass on my messages and will I make her feel bad that I don't email her, I'm just using her as a messenger. Am I going to inconvenience her if I ask if I can visit while I'm home? I don't want to bother her.
My mum told me my brother has been sending frequent emails about what he's doing to my aunt and she prints them out to read to my grandmother. He is doing more interesting things than me, though, so of course they're more interested in what he has to say.
Alternative: I haven't been hiding in my room all year, so there are things I could talk about. I just need to remember what I've done... I don't have to say a lot, anyway. Reading an email doesn't take that much effort and my aunt might like to hear from me, too. She has invited me to visit before, so it can't hurt to ask. Maybe they would be interested in what I've been doing, too.

One of the cleaning staff just came around to sweep where I'm sitting. I should say hello or something. I'm so rude to just ignore her. If I say hello, maybe I'll have to talk to her, though and I don't really want to because I don't have anything to say. If I say hello once, I'll be obligated to find something to say every day and I won't be able to and then she'll think I'm even more rude.
Alternative: I could just say hello without getting into a conversation. She probably doesn't want to stop and talk, anyway. Am I supposed to pretend there's some alternative interpretation where I'm not being rude? Because I really am.

Posting this (again). You must really be sick of these posts. I'll try to post something different tomorrow, although I can't promise it'll be any more interesting.
Alternative: I guess some people did comment in favour of these posts and you don't have to read them if you don't like them.

alternative thoughts 2

Sunday:

I had to knock on a housemate's door at 9.30 this morning, because another housemate wanted to leave a lot earlier than we'd thought. I'm going to wake him up and he'll be annoyed at me. I could blame the other housemate, but then I'd feel bad for making him annoyed at her. And I don't want to annoy her by making her wait longer to leave, so I have to knock...
Alternative: He wants to go on this outing, too, plus he's not easily annoyed and usually wakes up early so he won't mind me knocking.

We ended up walking for several hours in the afternoon and I was quiet most of the time. I'm so boring; I never have anything to say.
Alternative: I already did this one yesterday - I do have something to say occasionally. I guess I'm not sufficiently boring that this housemate tries to avoid spending time with me...

Our temporary housemate was moving out today and invited people over for pancakes. The pancakes were ready about 2 hours later than he'd planned and another housemate was starting to get cross about waiting that long. Please don't say anything; if you make a fuss, everything will be ruined and nobody will be friends anymore (or something; I'm not exactly sure what terrible thing would happen). I should be doing something/ have done something to make things be on time.
Alternative: It's not my fault that the pancakes were late and I'm not responsible for keeping the peace between housemates, anyway. And if they did end up arguing it wouldn't be the end of the world. People fight and make up all the time*.

The temporary housemate also invited a bunch of people we didn't know. I should talk to them, or at least attempt to join in the conversation, but I have nothing to say. I have no idea how to start talking to strangers. I'm such a socially inept freak. I ended up running away to set the table/find chairs/clean up instead. I'm so rude.
Alternative: It would be better if I could talk to them. I don't have to say much. Um, I really do have no idea how to talk to strangers; I'm not sure what else I could think there... Maybe I could hang around and wait for someone else to talk and see if it's easier to join in then, instead of running away, though. I'm not entirely socially inept in all situations, I guess. And I did say hi, so I wasn't rude the whole time. At least setting the table was kind of helpful. This is not a great set of alternative thoughts... Any suggestions?

*Just not me. I don't remember ever arguing with someone other than my brother.

happy mothers' day

Here are some adorable goslings for you:

alternative thoughts

So the next exercise is to come up with alternatives for your anxious thoughts. Styleygeek already gave me some helpful suggestions, thanks! I'm still more reluctant to write this out, though...

Saturday:
A tourist asked me to take their photo. Should I have given her more warning that I was taking the photo? What if it doesn't work out? She's going to think I'm an idiot for messing up her photo and ruining her memento of her trip.
Alternative: It probably worked, anyway. It was a point and shoot camera so it's not like I could've done anything to make the photo better. She was probably grateful to get her photo taken at all. It's only one photo, so if it doesn't work out it's not that big a deal.

A guy fell off his motorcycle in front of me as I was walking. He wasn't hurt and a couple of other people asked if he needed anything, but I should've stopped to ask if he was okay or done something to help. I'm so selfish and lazy and rude.
Alternative: I did slow down until he got up and was obviously okay. He didn't seem to want any help, anyway. He was probably embarrassed (he just fell over while turning the corner) and didn't want anyone else even noticing him.

I had to go to lab and was there at around 8pm. A few people I kind of know were going in just ahead of me. I said hi and chatted a bit all right, but they must have thought I was lame for being there on a Saturday night (they were just there to pick up someone's cell phone on their way to something fun). I followed them into the lift, even though I was only going up one floor. They must have thought I was weird for following them and so lazy for not just walking up the stairs.
Alternative: There were plenty of other people in the lab too, so it's reasonable to have to do labwork at that time of day. And I was carrying a bunch of stuff so they probably just thought I didn't want to have to deal with the doors, if they even thought about it at all.

I just sat down next to a housemate to use my laptop. I said hi, but nothing else. I'm so anti-social and I never have anything to say.
Alternative: She was on her laptop too, so she probably didn't want to be disturbed. She could've said something if she wanted to talk. I'm not sure about an alternative to "I never have anything to say"... I guess I occasionally have something to say, even if it's not very often. That's better than nothing...

I have to call my grandmother for mother's day and ask about going to visit her. I won't have anything to say and I'll probably speak too quietly. I should've spoken to her more recently, too. I'm such a bad person.
Alternative: I don't have to talk for very long if I have nothing to say, but she'll probably appreciate that I called, even if I don't say anything very interesting. It would've been better if I'd been in contact more often, but I can't do anything about that now. Um... I guess I can't be that bad if I'm going to call at all.

I would put some anxious thoughts about the blogger meetup, but I was absolved of the need to overanalyse it, so I won't. It was lots of fun, anyway.

anxious thoughts 4

These are getting kind of repetitive... I'll move on to the next step tomorrow, I think.

Friday:
I ate a flaky pastry thing (among other things) at lab meeting and got crumbs all over me. Everyone else in my lab must think I'm such a grub, and greedy for eating multiple pastries.

I emailed the bloggers I'm meeting up with tomorrow to check that our plans were still on. Maybe they have something better to do, instead. Are they're going to think I'm being patronising, as if they can't remember plans by themselves? And I'm not going to have anything to say so they'll think I'm boring and not want to hang out with me again. At least they can talk to each other, but I want to be able to talk, too.

I got an email a couple of weeks ago from someone I didn't know that was a stupid forward. I deleted it. Today I got another similarly stupid forward from the same person so I replied and said I didn't know who she was and she probably has the wrong email address (I get that a lot, since I have lucy at gmail). She wrote back and said "Lucy, it's me, Rosemary!" so although my first reaction was "how the heck would that help me recognise you? I could see your name in the from field before" now I'm wondering if I somehow have forgotten knowing a Rosemary. Have I been incredibly rude to someone I do actually know? Is my memory that bad that I could forget knowing someone? I really don't think I know a Rosemary, especially not one who would forward on dumb emails, but the fear of embarrassment if I'm wrong made me write a more polite email back, including my last name and asking if she was sure I was the Lucy she was aiming for. She just asked to be allowed to google chat with me, so now I'm really doubting my memory. Who is this person?

A housemate who's been away for a few days asked me what exciting things have been happening this week. I could barely remember anything I've done this week at all, and certainly nothing that I would call exciting, so I said "nothing much". She was probably just trying to be friendly and make conversation so I should have come up with something to say. It didn't have to be all that exciting really. Why can I not think of anything to say? I'm so bad at talking to people.

Chatting online with a shyness IRC channel friend. I told him I was going to be home in June and he suggested we get together, which would be good, although I'll have nothing to say and look like a shy freak and be reminded of the stupid things I said and did in that shyness group. Then when I said I might go to another city to visit my grandmother, too, he said he was planning on visiting a friend nearby and asked if I wanted to share petrol costs and drive. Argh! I can't spend 10+ hours in a car with just one other person! Plus, I think my mum would freak at the idea of me driving somewhere with a guy I met online. Can I say no without being rude? I made some excuse about not knowing my plans yet. The usual anxious thoughts about not having anything to say and being completely boring and rude apply to online conversations as well as real life ones, too.

anxious thoughts 3

Tuesday:
Ran into the professor in the hallway outside the classroom, without realising it was him (he was a guest lecturer I hadn't met before) until after I'd just mumbled hi in response to his greeting and continued walking. He's going to think I'm so rude.

Chatted with a student who was in the same knitting workshop I went to a while ago. I ran out of things to say after we got caught up on our progress (my lack thereof) so there was an awkward silence for a bit. I can never think of anything to say. I should be able to come up with something, but I can't. I felt bad that she was stuck sitting on the end of a row so she didn't have anyone else to talk to but me.

After class, I was kind of walking with two other students out of the building. They are good friends and I don't see them often. I wasn't sure if I was actually walking with them, or just following them. They stopped to do something and I wasn't sure if I should stop, too, but they were just talking to each other so I said bye and kept going. I don't think they noticed. Why would they care if I was walking with them or not? I'm not actually friends with them, just a hanger-on. They probably wanted me to stop following them.

I saw a housemate at home. He's kind of awkwardly quiet, too (although he has the excuse of English not being his native language), which always makes me feel more awkward. I can't think of anything to say, especially not enough to make up for someone else being quiet, too. I should be friendly and try to make him feel more comfortable, but I can't and he's going to think I'm just rude and unfriendly.

Wednesday:

Meeting with my advisor about my sucky data. It did look slightly better than I'd thought, but why do I talk so frickin' slow with my advisor? I sound like I'm half asleep, or like the token special ed character in For Better or For Worse. He really must think I'm stupid, since it clearly takes me forever to understand his questions/suggestions.

A housemate was in the kitchen when I went to get something to eat. I said hi, but should I try to say more? I can't think of anything to talk about. I'm so rude and boring and anti-social.

Another housemate came in later and they started talking. They're normal and friendly and I'm just barely tolerated on the edge of the group. I wish I could join in more, but I would just be interrupting. Should I even be listening to their conversation?

Thursday:
Talked to SuperGradStudent about What is the What, which he gave me. I couldn't think of anything interesting to say, even though it's a good book, and I think I gave the impression that I like it less than I do and think the events it describes were less horrifying than they are. I suck. He's going to think I'm an uncaring idiot.

SGS complained that our advisor was asking him to do more than he had time for and he's really busy. I should be much busier and have more to do, if I were at all involved in my project instead of just doing the minimum to get by.

Talking to my advisor about the grant progress report that's due tomorrow, which I'd completely forgotten I was meant to make graphs for. I suck; he's going to think I'm useless. I don't even know what I was supposed to do for it and my results suck. I should have made much more progress than this by now.

Making the graphs to send to my advisor. While he was still here, I'd done one quickly to see what it looked like and got a correlation coefficient of .98, but I accidentally selected the wrong column and it's really only .75. I'm such an idiot; I should've realised it wouldn't be that good, since the un-normalised data looked so bad. I don't want to tell my advisor that I was wrong, because the results really need to be better to justify the project. The whole project isn't going to work and I'll just be wasting a lot of time and resources. If I'd done more work instead of reading blogs, I could've figured out how to fix things better, too.

Someone was walking down the corridor in front of me. I slowed down to avoid catching up with him, because then I might have to talk and I don't have anything to say.

I should be working. I still have to do 45 more minutes before I can read blogs, but I don't want to. Maybe I'll get something to eat, even though I'm not hungry...

At the photography class, the teacher read an essay by one of the students and asked for reactions. One person said she was "indifferent" and another said basically "it was good, but I don't know why" so I felt bad for the person who wrote it and said something. The teacher then asked me to talk louder. I hate repeating myself, because what I was saying wasn't anything interesting and they'll all probably just think I'm dumb, and now I'm stumbling over words and probably blushing so they'll think I'm weird in general. I should've just kept quiet.

The student who wrote the essay usually gives me a lift back near home afterwards, but she didn't say anything today and I wasn't sure if I should assume she would do that again and I can't ask for anything because I don't want to inconvenience her. I ended up just being slow about packing up so I could happen to walk out at the same time, but then I felt anxious because maybe she thinks I'm just hinting for a ride, which would be worse than just asking about it. I think I may have forgotten to say thank you for the ride, because I was worrying about saying goodbye since it was the last class and I probably won't see her again. I'm so rude.

The Plan: month four (nothing new this time)

1. Health

The gym is fine, but other things are still not going so well. I ate chips/fries for dinner today, but at least they were sweet potato ones and therefore had some vitamins along with the salt and fat... I haven't been too good about getting up early, although I have done it a few times. I haven't done anything about starting weights training either.

2. Professional

I did more work than I realised this month. Before I made the graph I would've guessed I'd done about the same as last month. The work-before-blogs strategy worked better than I thought.

I think my slackerliness at lab has made me less likely to cook proper meals for dinner, since I'm coming home too late. The therapist last time asked if I was feeling like I was back to my old self, or better or still not as good yet. I wasn't sure, because I think some things are better now and some still aren't. What I would really like to get back to, is my work habits from my second rotation, where I got to lab by 9am, worked most of the day, with only short email/craigslist breaks (that was when I was moving out of the dorm and needed furniture) and went home at 6pm. I'm still too far from that to have it as an immediate goal, but I know it's possible.
Actually, maybe I should set that as a goal, as far off as it seems. I did go from no exercise at all back up to what I was doing then, so maybe I could do this too. I'm not sure...
Dividing my required work time up into stages has been working pretty well, but I'm still focussing on 2.5 hours of work a day, rather than on getting things done. What worked during that rotation was that I had a detailed list of things that needed doing and someone regularly (like constantly) checking up on me to make sure I was doing them. I could probably recreate some of that, but I have been slack about even making lists because it's anxiety-producing to even know all the things I should be doing.

• stage 1: finish optimising the assay conditions, repeat the big set of experiments, analyse data

I optimised all the stuff I thought I needed to and then the part of the assay I thought was fine turned out to be noisy, too. I'm hoping that won't need too much more work, because I'd like to have the big set of experiments done before I go home. Today's analysis showed that the noise wasn't as bad as I thought, or at least was due to easily fixed things, so I can go ahead and start the pre-big experiments experiment!

• stage 2: make/find the new reagents I need, use them

I finished the list but have forgotten to show my advisor to get his opinion, still...

• stage 3: in vivo stuff

Apparently this is back on and I should have done stuff for it already.

3. Social

After I had dinner with classmates last month (or was it 2 months ago?), we decided we should get together every couple of weeks, but it hasn't happened again. I should send an email about that. I also need to reply to many other emails...

I have the 4 hour social anxiety group screening appointment next week. I'm scared... I just got a big envelope in the mail today with a pile of questionnaires to fill out beforehand. I thought maybe that would be part of the 4 hours, but what are they going to do that will take all that time?

4. Family

Maybe I should get rid of this section if I can't even come up with a goal for it.

5. Being Selfish

I'm still selfish. I should give blood. I'm thinking more about volunteering for the Samaritans now. Do you think that would help my anxiety about talking to people at all (that isn't so unselfish of me...), or would I just be useless at it?

6. Other

I have been taking the photography class, although I skipped the portraits entirely. This week is the last one.

I knitted socks for my mum for mothers' day, but I haven't done any of my DNA scarf in a while. I should start going to the knitting group again. I completely forgot about going today, though.

I need to tidy my room more often again.

I think I've been forgetting that The Plan is not only about the stars... I should keep track of the other components better.

For the stars this month, though, I think I'm going to add picking 3 things to do each day and making sure I get them done, in an attempt to focus more on what I'm trying to accomplish in lab, rather than just on putting in time. I'm also going to do some of the Overcoming Social Anxiety exercises each day.

TMI

Someone in the photography class I'm taking just sent an email to the whole group going into great detail (dates, times, test results, ward number etc) about the medical emergency that kept her and her husband from attending the last class. I felt kind of uncomfortable reading it (I really don't need to know your family and medical histories). I mentioned this to a housemate and he pointed out that my mum would probably appreciate an email like that. In fact, my mum would likely send an email like that.
My little brother's girlfriend was in a car accident just before they were flying to see her family last week. She was okay, but her back was still hurting a bit when she got on the plane. My mum wanted my brother to tell the flight attendants about the accident, because she thought they should know, "just in case", but my brother disagreed. My mum told me this story as an illustration of how my brother can't bear to think/talk about bad things and just ignores them entirely, but I'm totally on his side. Seriously, why would it help to inform anyone? Are the attendants going to do anything other than say "I'm sorry, let me know if you need anything", at most? Why not just wait and say something if you do actually need anything?
My housemate also said that he knows far more about my mother's life, from the few minutes of talking to her when answering her calls, than he does about mine. I know I'm ridiculously secretive and obviously there is a middle ground, but I'm not sure I can recognise it. It seems much safer to say nothing than risk overloading people with information they don't want to hear.

anxious thoughts 2

Sunday:
Someone seemed to be examining my knitting with some interest. Please don't talk to me!

Going past security to get into lab. Should I say hi to the security guard? Is it rude not to? I don't want to bother him, though. And I don't want to have to talk; I have nothing to say and I'll just look like a socially awkward misfit. Far better to just scurry past... (repeat 3 more times)

Another grad student I know a little was in a neighbouring lab. I said hi, but should I stop and talk? See security guard thoughts.

The post-doc in my lab's ex-girlfriend was on the shuttle bus. I really like her and she's obvious enough in her friendliness that I didn't have to worry that I was bothering her. She asked about my knitting and trip home and C'land, since she's hoping to go to a conference there. I didn't ask anything about how she's going, though. I'm so self-absorbed and socially incompetent. Why would anyone want to talk to me?

Monday:
I followed someone from my lab through the door to our section, but I was far enough behind her that I would've had to speak loudly to say hi, so I went the other way around to avoid the awkwardness of wondering if I should call out to her, or wait until I caught up, or something. I said hi once I got to lab, though, and chatted with her a bit. Why couldn't I just have said hi to begin with? I'm so weird, creeping around trying to avoid people.

Taking the other way around meant walking almost past my advisor's office. I was careful to stay out of sight because I was arriving at 12pm and I had no results. (I'm not the only one, at least). I should have done more work yesterday and got up earlier. I'm so lazy and pathetic. I'm letting him down and messing up my project.

When I left the lab, SuperGradStudent was there, so I was wondering if I should say hi, but was relieved to see he was on the phone, so I just snuck out. I should say hi. I like SuperGradStudent. I want to be nice and friendly, but I have nothing to say and I'll just look like a socially awkward idiot (I seem so much more socially competent sneaking out and avoiding eye contact, of course...).

Repeat some combination of the above thoughts every time I saw someone else in lab today.

Posting this. Nobody wants to read this. Everyone's going to see how anti-social and stupid I am.

anxious thoughts

The first exercise in the Overcoming Social Anxiety book is to record your thoughts and feelings when you're feeling anxious so you can start to recognise patterns and work on changing them. I'm going to try to do that on here for a while.

Friday:
Work-related retreat, ie a day of listening to talks about a topic I might work on in the future, but don't know now. I didn't know anybody there, except a post-doc I owe reagents to and a grad student I haven't seen in a couple of years, so I just went back to my lab in the breaks instead of staying in the retreat area. I can't talk to anyone because everyone else there already knows people and I have nothing to say and I don't even know anything about this topic and I'm not even a real scientist. Am I supposed to be networking? How do you even do that? People don't seriously just start talking to strangers, do they?

Someone who's been helping me stopped by to ask if I had results from my last experiment. I hadn't analysed them yet. She must think I'm lazy and slack and incompetent. I am all those things...

Saturday:
Sending an email asking for the phone numbers I lost when my phone drowned. I'm such an idiot for putting my phone in the wash, and besides, it's not like I ever talk to any of these people on the phone (or at all, barely), so they're going to think it's weird that I want their number.

A housemate told me she talked to the instructor of the bootcamp class I was taking at the gym and mentioned me. The instructor said I worked hard. More likely that was the most encouraging thing she could think of to say, since I was the slowest/weakest/least coordinated person in the class. Also, I don't want people drawing attention to me. What if I see her at the gym? Do I have to talk to her? Will she feel bad that I didn't like the class enough to sign up again?

Chatting online. I have nothing interesting to say. Why would anyone want to talk to me? This person is clearly going to get bored with me and never want to talk to me again.

Shrinkykitten posted an offer for a free facial and cleanser from Origins that involves calling to ask for it. I want free stuff, but I can't waste someone's time by asking for it and I would be embarrassed to go into the store anyway because I don't even wear make up and they would think I'm a loser or something for that, or just wasting their time, and maybe I'd have to make conversation and I suck at that. Plus, it's not like I'm going to buy anything there, so I don't really deserve free stuff.

new phone

The screen of my old phone and the insides looked all dry this morning so I tried turning it back on. The screen was all lit up and ripply, just like when I first fished it out of the washing machine, except that it was also flashing, so I gave up on it. The new phone is a lot fancier than the old one, but I can't see who's calling or if I have any messages or even the time from the outside, which is annoying. It only has four ringtones, all of them annoying, in a blatant ploy to get me to pay extra for one. The salesperson also tried to sell me a warranty that cost 3/4 the price of the phone.

There was another person in there setting up a new phone account while I was waiting and it was amusing hearing her try to come up with a security question. Apparently the choices were things like favourite singer/sports team, the person who gave you your first kiss or original hair colour, none of which she felt sure of remembering.

oops

I just washed my mobile phone... It went through the whole cycle and sat there for another half an hour before I found it, and it was on, so I'm guessing it's dead. The screen was lit up, but completely blank. I opened it up and will let it dry, anyway. Grr!

I talked

It wasn't so bad. I got there a bit early and kept knitting while I waited, so she asked about that and we talked about knitting for a while to start with (I didn't make any promises about content). I did talk about the other people in the knitting group I was going to, though. Mainly I just answered her questions, but that was still a lot more talking than I usually do. I actually tried to explain some of the misconceptions she's had, like that I've actually been feeling better since the start of the year. I was going to tell her that I stopped taking the medication and that I'd called the social anxiety group people, but I didn't get to that, since she asked about other things.
She was kind of hesitant to even mention it, in case I shut down again, but she did ask if I knew why I was talking more than usual. I couldn't help smiling then (I don't think I've ever smiled in there before) and I told her about the pinky swear. She was so happy that I talked; it was kind of cute. I could see how opening up a little makes other people respond, too. I hadn't really got the impression that she was that interested in why I wouldn't talk or anything, so seeing how happy she was made me feel better.
I'm still only going once a month, so I'm not sure how helpful it will be. We didn't talk about the book we were going to work through and she suggested that maybe we wouldn't need it, if I was going to start talking more, but I'm not sure about that. It makes me feel a little better about the prospect of going to the four hour appointment with the anxiety group people next week, at least, knowing I can actually talk, if I try harder. It was a lot easier once I got started.